‘Daylight’ just slightly lighter darkness

SO-CALLED daylight is now just a slightly diluted version of the night, it has been confirmed.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “There currently is no daylight, just as there is no real day. All we have is different hues of darkness.

“Maybe in March, if we are all still alive by then.”

Shopfitter Wayne Hayes said: “I gave this ‘natural light’ a go by going out at lunchtime and found myself stumbling blindly around until I fell into a skip.

“When I returned to the office I was mercilessly mocked for daring to hope.

“But what would this daylight be good for, anyway? What is there to see outside but rain, dead trees, wet brick, the skeletons of roadkill?”

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Age-gap relationships doomed by different children's TV memories

MOST relationships with an age gap fail because of differing children’s television references, it has emerged.

Experts believe the main challenge facing those with younger partners is having to constantly explain obsolete cartoon and puppet-based Saturday morning programming.

Relationship counsellor Donna Sheridan said: “Sadly, no relationship can withstand a hugely detailed description of Fraggle Rock or how He-Man’s cat was cowardly until he zapped it with his sword.

“People in their 30s report seeing their partner’s eyes glaze over as they chatter enthusiastically about Chock-a-Block only to find the person they thought was their soulmate doesn’t even know who Derek Griffiths is.

“And as for Rude Dog and the Dweebs, forget it.”

Company director Roy Hobbs said: “My girlfriend’s a lot younger than me, but everything was fine until I did an impression of BA Baracus and she called me a racist.

“I then had to spend 14 minutes outlining the plot and characters of The A-Team. She was like ‘why would anyone in trouble call some mentally ill men who live in a van?’.

“That was the moment our love died. The sex was awesome but I knew I had to get out.”