Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After a tiring day on Thursday, you’re welcomed home by a glass of wine, a foot rub, and dinner in the oven. You live on your own, so it’s a little weird.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Spring is definitely in the air this week as you find yourself in the local park being unspeakable with a tree.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
After hearing Jeremy Clarkson had been suspended, you’ll be disappointed today when you learn that it isn’t over a cage full of Komodo dragons.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
After news of a further Ghostbusters remake and a Zoolander sequel, you’re feeling more optimistic than ever about that pitch you sent Paramount for a Buckaroo Banzai reboot.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
It is never easy to admit you were wrong, especially when you’ve insisted over and over again you were right, so it will take a lot of guts to do so at Monday’s medical malpractice panel.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
As a Leo when you see something you want, you pursue it ruthlessly, before biting it in the neck, snapping its spinal column.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Don’t forget to buy a present on Mother’s Day, even if it’s the usual phone card and box of snouts she can use as currency.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After several poor school reports from your kid, it’s time you sat down with them and had a talk about the fact you don’t give a shit.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
A new star appears in your constellation this Sunday, leaving it no longer looking like a scorpion and more like two cats having a fight with dildos.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
On Friday you’ll win the pub quiz with the question “I’m just going to take the cash pot and this gun won’t go off, understand?”
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You haven’t decided who to vote for but any party willing to make ‘Download our menu as a PDF’ on websites illegal will certainly have a look-in.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you will be involved in a fracas.