Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
After a tiring day on Thursday, you’re welcomed home by a glass of wine, a foot rub, and dinner in the oven. You live on your own, so it’s a little weird.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Spring is definitely in the air this week as you find yourself in the local park being unspeakable with a tree.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
After hearing Jeremy Clarkson had been suspended, you’ll be disappointed today when you learn that it isn’t over a cage full of Komodo dragons.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
After news of a further Ghostbusters remake and a Zoolander sequel, you’re feeling more optimistic than ever about that pitch you sent Paramount for a Buckaroo Banzai reboot.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
It is never easy to admit you were wrong, especially when you’ve insisted over and over again you were right, so it will take a lot of guts to do so at Monday’s medical malpractice panel.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
As a Leo when you see something you want, you pursue it ruthlessly, before biting it in the neck, snapping its spinal column.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Don’t forget to buy a present on Mother’s Day, even if it’s the usual phone card and box of snouts she can use as currency.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After several poor school reports from your kid, it’s time you sat down with them and had a talk about the fact you don’t give a shit.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
A new star appears in your constellation this Sunday, leaving it no longer looking like a scorpion and more like two cats having a fight with dildos.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
On Friday you’ll win the pub quiz with the question “I’m just going to take the cash pot and this gun won’t go off, understand?”

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You haven’t decided who to vote for but any party willing to make ‘Download our menu as a PDF’ on websites illegal will certainly have a look-in.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you will be involved in a fracas.

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This Morning reluctantly scraps guide to auto-erotic asphyxiation

PHILLIP Schofield has confirmed that This Morning has shelved a segment on increasing sexual excitement by restricting the flow of oxygen to the brain.

The daytime TV show had scheduled a ten-minute piece on how today’s busy professional can heighten sexual and masturbatory sensation by compressing the carotid arteries.

ITV has pulled the feature fearing an Ofcom intervention in a move that Schofield believes is overly cautious. He said: “This Morning is a lifestyle programme and inducing a sensation of hypoxia during orgasm is a common lifestyle choice.

“But sadly it seems that Middle England isn’t ready to watch a discussion on merits of the half-windsor versus the Trinity knot while pleasuring yourself.

“You really can’t do anything pre-watershed these days.”

Unemployed Tom Logan said: “I’ve been thinking of trying some choke and stroke, and what better way to get started than hearing a former children’s TV presenter explaining basic techniques.

“It’s political correctness gone mad, at this rate they’ll cancel their segment on the best hiking boots or that piece they’re doing on the 10 best anal lubricants.”