Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week for your 18th birthday you get to open the sealed box your parents put together the day you were born. Inside is a slip of paper saying ‘Get a job’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The formation for your Sunday League team this weekend is 5-4-1, which is also the average number of arrests, cautions and convictions your team has had.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Today you’ll buy a hipster flask, which is like a hip flask only you have to put the drinks in it before they are cool.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Why not try a bit of culture this weekend? Maybe try reading one of those book things you’ve heard a few of your friends talking about?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Why not live dangerously with your peanut allergy by burying your Epi Pen inside a Snickers?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You decide to quit your yoga class after realising that masturbation is a far more reliable way to have an orgasm.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week your local bakery will refuse to bake cakes for gay weddings but refuse to discuss their policy on bi pies.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
During a job interview on Monday somebody will pull out a photo of you eating a sandwich awkwardly, because that’s apparently a thing now.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Due to recent overcast weather, your stars haven’t been visible so I’m not sure what happening to you this week. It’ll probably involve alcohol, though. Usually does.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Sometimes you’re your own worst enemy but most of the time it’s everyone else who’s ever met you.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your sign is the fish which, y’know, explains a lot.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Sex and drugs and rock and roll and pie and mash and Morecambe and Wise and gin and tonic and so forth.

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False dawn as PowerPoint presentation skips to the end

STAFF on a training day were given a cruel flicker of hope when a PowerPoint presentation malfunctioned.

For a few seconds it appeared that the bedraggled individuals watching a 120-slide presentation on corporate responsibility were going to be allowed to walk free after slide 45.

Tom Logan said: “Suddenly we were on the final slide, which summarised everything in bullet points.

“I started to imagine the sunlight, the sound of birds, nobody to make you brainstorm community projects with the person sat next to you.”

As a hum of relieved conversation begun in Conference Room 9B, the dream was cruelly snatched away and the PowerPoint began again, repeating three slides that had already been covered.

Course leader Stephen Malley said: “I always know that I’ve done a good job because nobody ever has any further questions.”