VICARS have informed wedding guests that throwing confetti on church ground means eternal damnation.
Sick of their instructions at wedding services being ignored, the clergy has received dispensation from the Archbishop of Canterbury for confetti-throwers to go direct to the deepest pits of Hades.
The Reverend Tom Logan said: “I don’t care if it says it’s biodegradable on the box.
“If I find so much as one pink horseshoe outside my church then it doesn’t matter if you’ve been a good Christian all your life and save orphan children at the weekends, your soul goes to the devil.
“Extreme perhaps, but you’ve never tried to peel wet confetti off gravestones at 6am on Monday with three funerals in the diary.
“God’s patience only goes so far.”
Satan said: “We’ll put them in the standard torture pits with the murderers at first, but I’m working on an endless frozen plain where drifting confetti burns little doves and pairs of bells deep into their flesh.”