Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
On Thursday you’ll go into a little booth and do what you do every five years. Have a shower.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
As a concerned parent, next week you will host an emergency meeting about the teen vampire films that are making the occult look uninteresting to kids.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No word from Tory central office on your offer to test Cameron’s “I’m like a fireman comment by kicking him into a burning firework factory.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your disciplinary review on Monday goes so badly your line manager has to use a glove puppet to act out some of the worst things you’ve done recently.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Outdoor sex can be exciting but this weekend you’ll learn that being chased out of a car boot sale is even more exciting.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Deciding what to delete from your Sky+ box on Friday episodes of Take Me Out or Fast & Furious 4 you catch sight of your reflection in the TV screen and have a moment of horrifying self-awareness.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week you discover that “just wanting to be around other bald man” is not what the monastery admission board wanted to hear.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Evening classes are a great way to meet new people although they’re generally the kind of people who take evening classes to meet new people.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Time to cut back on the takeaways when you go away for the weekend and the local pizza place files a missing persons report.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you will take to social media after being shocked by advertising that uses a sexy woman to sell a questionable product.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’ve always got your eye on the ball, meaning you often neglect the shaft.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’re so vain, you probably think this horoscope is about you. Or you were born between March 21st and April 19th.