Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
On Thursday you’ll go into a little booth and do what you do every five years. Have a shower.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
As a concerned parent, next week you will host an emergency meeting about the teen vampire films that are making the occult look uninteresting to kids.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No word from Tory central office on your offer to test Cameron’s “I’m like a fireman” comment by kicking him into a burning firework factory.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your disciplinary review on Monday goes so badly your line manager has to use a glove puppet to act out some of the worst things you’ve done recently.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Outdoor sex can be exciting but this weekend you’ll learn that being chased out of a car boot sale is even more exciting.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Deciding what to delete from your Sky+ box on Friday – episodes of Take Me Out or Fast & Furious 4 – you catch sight of your reflection in the TV screen and have a moment of horrifying self-awareness.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week you discover that “just wanting to be around other bald man” is not what the monastery admission board wanted to hear.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Evening classes are a great way to meet new people although they’re generally the kind of people who take evening classes to meet new people.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Time to cut back on the takeaways when you go away for the weekend and the local pizza place files a missing persons report.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you will take to social media after being shocked by advertising that uses a sexy woman to sell a questionable product.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’ve always got your eye on the ball, meaning you often neglect the shaft.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)  
You’re so vain, you probably think this horoscope is about you. Or you were born between March 21st and April 19th.

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Energy drinks recommended as part of an unhealthy lifestyle

ENERGY drinks are the perfect complement to partying too much and eating ready meals, according to medical experts.

Doctor Emma Bradford said: “I would recommended energy drinks as part of a chaotic, non-balanced lifestyle, particularly if you are trying to maintain an inhuman work rate or are getting wrecked a lot.

“They help you to keep going beyond your body’s natural limits, which is important if you are sofa surfing after a messy divorce and have no money for vegetables.”

Doctor Bradford confirmed that energy drinks were overall probably okay for you, or at least not as bad as cigarettes.

Teenager Wayne Hayes said: “I like energy drinks because they give you a buzz, and the more you drink the more you buzz.

“In an ideal world everything would give you some sort of a buzz.”