Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You’re a big fan of steampunk, as it’s much more healthy than fried punk.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Tomorrow your claim to have come up with a new joke in the office will backfire when Louise Mensch harangues you on Twitter about it for the next month.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A transitional period for Cancerians this week as you drift from the ‘functional’ kind of alcoholic to the ‘selling furniture’ kind.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
True to your Leo roots you will spend most of this week claiming a large area of grassland as your own by strategically urinating and roaring.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your commitment to your persecution complex goes up a notch this weekend when you buy a surround sound system to help with the impression people are talking behind your back.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
As the eighth man in a recent diamond raid, you will spend this week getting extensive plastic surgery and learning how to speak Peruvian.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Trouble in work over the hot-desking policy when people complain that they don’t want to use your favourite desk as it smells ‘suspiciously testicle-y’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
No word from Channel 4 on your sequel to Benefits Street called TV Prick Mews.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
On Monday you’ll discover that your ‘maximum protection’ deodorant doesn’t cover loan sharks you owe fifteen large to.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you get Windows 10 only to find it starts controlling your cat like an evil spirit.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Finally some interest in your band’s demo, even if it’s from a company that makes bird-scarers.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR) 
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win. Then you agree to a rematch for a lot of money, then you get your arse kicked.

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Urban foxes making annoyingly specific food demands

HOUSEHOLDERS have been warned against feeding urban foxes as the animals are fussy and claim to have intolerances.

Unlike their rural counterparts which will eat rotting magpie carcasses, metropolitan foxes are all on fad diets.

Urban fox Wayne Hayes said: “This woman left me out a bowl of milk – probably not even organic – seemingly unaware that I drink only espresso made with single-estate beans.

“Food provenance is very important to me, and I won’t touch any meat scraps that aren’t locally sourced. And I can’t have grains, they bloat me.

“Also I’m doing paleo right now.

“Probably the best thing is to let me into your house so I can have a good look through your cupboards before getting you to cook something suitable, if that is possible with the available ingredients.

“If not I may send you down to the local deli with a list.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “Cull them.”