Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You’re a big fan of steampunk, as it’s much more healthy than fried punk.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Tomorrow your claim to have come up with a new joke in the office will backfire when Louise Mensch harangues you on Twitter about it for the next month.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A transitional period for Cancerians this week as you drift from the ‘functional’ kind of alcoholic to the ‘selling furniture’ kind.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
True to your Leo roots you will spend most of this week claiming a large area of grassland as your own by strategically urinating and roaring.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your commitment to your persecution complex goes up a notch this weekend when you buy a surround sound system to help with the impression people are talking behind your back.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
As the eighth man in a recent diamond raid, you will spend this week getting extensive plastic surgery and learning how to speak Peruvian.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Trouble in work over the hot-desking policy when people complain that they don’t want to use your favourite desk as it smells ‘suspiciously testicle-y’.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
No word from Channel 4 on your sequel to Benefits Street called TV Prick Mews.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
On Monday you’ll discover that your ‘maximum protection’ deodorant doesn’t cover loan sharks you owe fifteen large to.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week you get Windows 10 only to find it starts controlling your cat like an evil spirit.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Finally some interest in your band’s demo, even if it’s from a company that makes bird-scarers.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win. Then you agree to a rematch for a lot of money, then you get your arse kicked.