Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No word from Universal about your film pitch based on Speed where if a Southern Rail train is more than three minutes late you get to kick their chief executive in the bag.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Try working on your insomnia this weekend by cutting out caffeine, keeping your bedroom well-ventilated and ignoring the gnawing ache in the pit of your stomach that your life is going horribly, horribly wrong.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
No, I don’t think eating takeaway kebabs five nights out of seven is ‘doing your bit to help the Greek economic crisis’, actually.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’ve already prepared for Florence & The Machine at Glastonbury this weekend by nailing a hyena to your foot at a stage school concert.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
It’s been a difficult time in the house of Scorpio recently, not least because ‘house of Scorpio’ sounds like a fetish club.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Warlike Mars enters your sign on Monday, stirring up your aggression and fury, meaning there’s a very high chance you’ll get your head kicked in.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Influence from overseas will come into your life on Tuesday. Either a letter from abroad or Spanish Flu. One of the two.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Beware of the Queen asking to crash at yours, she has disgusting habits.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your teacher training course hits a rocky patch next week when you ask the tutor when they’ll get to the bit about braying the little bastards.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Eight months of planning come to fruition this week as the bulbs you planted last autumn bloom to spell the words ‘piss off’ in your front garden.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
An unfamiliar situation in work today as a colleague you actually like is leaving and you’ve no idea how much to put into their collection.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This horoscope or prognostication may not be certified. Please consult your local guru.

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DJ has been mediocre long enough to become a ‘house music legend’

A HOUSE music DJ and producer has been granted legendary status after not being very good for over twenty years.

Brighton-based Tom Booker aka DJ Deep Chunk began his career in dance music two decades ago with the launch of a boring club that nobody went to. Although he vaguely knew some professional DJs, they all thought he was an arrogant knob.

Since then he has consistently played drab, unimaginative records to increasingly small crowds of people. He has also done dozens of remixes that weren’t very good, including one for a well-known American label that was a bit desperate at the time.

Booker said: “It goes to show that all you’ve got to do is keep plodding on and eventually everyone will decide you are a legend.

“Don’t try thinking up new ideas because eventually everything gets re-hashed by nerds desperate to unearth ‘seminal’ things even if they were actually quite poor.

“All those people who kept telling me to get a proper job didn’t count on the modern obsession with nostalgia. I’m going to play a massive rave on a Croatian ‘sex island’ next week, with loads of models.

“I just wish I wasn’t so old and tired.”

Music blogger Stephen Malley said: “Chunk is definitely a legend. His music is seminal. I don’t know what ‘seminal’ means but I like saying it because it sounds very adult.”

A 1993 vinyl release on DJ Deep Chunk’s label Mediocre Records, The HumDrum EP, recently sold for £84,400 on eBay to an overenthusiastic American teenager.