Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
No word from Universal about your film pitch based on Speed where if a Southern Rail train is more than three minutes late you get to kick their chief executive in the bag.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Try working on your insomnia this weekend by cutting out caffeine, keeping your bedroom well-ventilated and ignoring the gnawing ache in the pit of your stomach that your life is going horribly, horribly wrong.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
No, I dont think eating takeaway kebabs five nights out of seven is doing your bit to help the Greek economic crisis, actually.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Youve already prepared for Florence & The Machine at Glastonbury this weekend by nailing a hyena to your foot at a stage school concert.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Its been a difficult time in the house of Scorpio recently, not least because house of Scorpio sounds like a fetish club.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Warlike Mars enters your sign on Monday, stirring up your aggression and fury, meaning theres a very high chance youll get your head kicked in.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Influence from overseas will come into your life on Tuesday. Either a letter from abroad or Spanish Flu. One of the two.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Beware of the Queen asking to crash at yours, she has disgusting habits.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your teacher training course hits a rocky patch next week when you ask the tutor when theyll get to the bit about braying the little bastards.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Eight months of planning come to fruition this week as the bulbs you planted last autumn bloom to spell the words piss off in your front garden.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
An unfamiliar situation in work today as a colleague you actually like is leaving and youve no idea how much to put into their collection.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This horoscope or prognostication may not be certified. Please consult your local guru.