GUARDS at Glastonbury Festival’s boutique camping area are authorised to use deadly force against hippies, it has emerged.
Anyone dirty or unkempt who comes within 50 metres of the luxury yurts organised by ’Meggie’s Gypsy Dreams’ will be told to fuck the fuck off, then shot if they fail to comply.
Yurt magnate ‘Meggie’ said: “Our clients work hard all year in soulless corporate jobs so that they can enjoy live music and chill out in a high-security bohemian context.
“In the unlikely event that anyone without a proper job is attending the festival, they should keep their distance or pay the ultimate price. Just because it’s a festival it doesn’t mean you can go where you like, or do what you like as if this were some sort of free country.
“I should stress that it’s fine to have machine guns because they are vintage machine guns.”
Labourer Wayne Hayes helped assemble the yurts: “Those yurts are so luxurious it’s mental. They come with drugged baby pandas that you can use as pillows.
“Also there’s vintage champagne and a set of solid gold goblets, but I wouldn’t use those as I deliberately wiped my balls on them.”