Glastonbury glamping zone has machine gun turrets to keep out hippies

GUARDS at Glastonbury Festival’s boutique camping area are authorised to use deadly force against hippies, it has emerged.

Anyone dirty or unkempt who comes within 50 metres of the luxury yurts organised by ’Meggie’s Gypsy Dreams’ will be told to fuck the fuck off, then shot if they fail to comply.

Yurt magnate ‘Meggie’ said: “Our clients work hard all year in soulless corporate jobs so that they can enjoy live music and chill out in a high-security bohemian context.

“In the unlikely event that anyone without a proper job is attending the festival, they should keep their distance or pay the ultimate price. Just because it’s a festival it doesn’t mean you can go where you like, or do what you like as if this were some sort of free country.

“I should stress that it’s fine to have machine guns because they are vintage machine guns.”

Labourer Wayne Hayes helped assemble the yurts: “Those yurts are so luxurious it’s mental. They come with drugged baby pandas that you can use as pillows.

“Also there’s vintage champagne and a set of solid gold goblets, but I wouldn’t use those as I deliberately wiped my balls on them.”

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Offline social networking service called ‘pub’ launched

A MIDDLE-AGED visionary has launched an offline service called ‘pub’, which allows friends to interact in a building.

Overweight, balding 46-year-old Martin Bishop sees ‘pub’, known locally as The Woodcutter’s Arms, as a place where people can verbally communicate while drinking beer.

He said: “There’s Steak Night on Tuesdays and a ska band every third Friday. Hopefully we’re getting the toilets done next month because they’re a bit grim at the moment.”

24-year old blogger Nikki Hollis commented: “I love ‘pub’ because it’s so interactive and exciting. For example, my friend will say something about her life, and then I comment, and then she comments back, and then I comment, and so on.

“It’s an amazing platform for trumpeting my half-baked politics and making vague statements about being unhappy so my friends feel obliged to pay me some attention.

“Often I’ll say something and a total stranger will chime in with a comment like ‘Why don’t you crawl under a rock and die, you ugly bitch?’ So it’s not scarily different to the internet.”

However police have warned about the potential dangers of ‘pub’: “People in ‘pub’ aren’t always who they seem to be. A middle-aged man could claim to be a small girl. Stay alert, use your eyes.”