Scotland arms grouse

THE SNP is to provide all grouse with sidearms and training before the start of shooting season.

More than half a million grouse around the Highlands will be given specially adapted automatic handguns and a crash course in target shooting in the month-and-a-half before the Glorious Twelfth.

Selected grouse will also be given flags bearing the image of their venerated leader, the Famous Grouse, with which they can claim territory if they manage to beat their foe.

Gamekeeper Bill McKay said: “Grouse are very, very stupid, prone to panicking and flapping around wildly and should ordinarily never be given guns.

“On the other hand, they’re facing off against wealthy idiots intoxicated on single malt and the correct wearing of tweed.

“The blood of man and grouse will soak the heather together, but it’s anyone’s guess who will win.”

If the scheme is a success, the Scottish Assembly plans to provide salmon with auto-targeting harpoon guns.

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Taylor Swift betrayed to Roman authorities by disciple

TAYLOR Swift has been arrested by Roman soldiers after one of her 59.2 million Twitter followers betrayed her location. 

Swift, who was praying in a garden after the defeat of Apple, was taken into custody by legionaries after the authorities became afraid of her growing influence. 

A witness said: “Taylor and her teachings of inoffensive feminism, fairer streaming royalties and shaking off haters have proven alarmingly popular. 

“Since she first strode from the forgotten wastelands of country music, with claims to miracles including identifying trouble by gait alone and healing bullet wounds with Band-Aids, the men in power decided something must be done.

“We were tipped off to where she was by @FOLLOW+ME+TAYLOR, previously known as @MARRY*ME*HARRY.”

Swift will face trial by the prefecture and the Council of Country Elders, represented by Whispering Bob Harris, before being sentenced to crucifixion in front of a crowd of 65,000 in London’s Hyde Park. 

Immediately following the event, Ed Sheeran will deny knowing her three times before the cock crows.