Estate agents to let buyers fight to the death

POTENTIAL homebuyers are being invited to murder their rivals, it has emerged.

Estate agents believe that housing demand has outstripped supply to the extent that they can just lock them all in the living room and see who makes it out.

Agent Julian Cook said: “We already enjoyed getting a number of people to view a house simultaneously because it is fun to play them off against each other.

“After the viewing we were doing sealed bids but it’s more fun to go ‘you want it and you want it, there’s a loaded gun hidden near the fireplace, may the most murderous pleasant couple win’.”

Prospective buyer Nikki Hollis said: “We loved this maisonette in Dollis Hill so we were worried that there were two other couples looking round at the same time.

“Then the agent said it was fine to kill them. I was okay with that but I didn’t want the carpet getting stained so I decided to go with strangulation instead of firearms, much to my partner’s frustration.”

Hollis’s partner Wayne Hayes said: “I said we should just get that gun and shoot them, not worry about the carpet. As it happened the gun jammed and it all ended with me smashing the flatscreen over some guy from Redditch’s head.

“Annoyingly my partner has since gone off that house.”

Cook said: “You want the houses, we’ve got the houses, from now on this is the deal.”

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Claiming benefits should be like base jumping, says Cameron

CLAIMING benefits should be like leaping off a tall building, David Cameron has claimed.

The prime minister said the welfare system ‘was like a merry-go-round’ when it should really feel like hurtling towards the earth at a 120 miles per hour, praying to god that your parachute opens.

He added: “For too long, life on benefits has merely been full of ups and downs and has gone nowhere. I’m also uncomfortable with the idea of unemployed people having music in their life or knowing what it’s like to ride a horse.

“I think it’s time claiming benefits was like base jumping – brief, terrifying, and something that can have a huge impact on people’s lives.”

Meanwhile, the system will continue to resemble other fairground attractions, such as a rigged coconut shy or a dodgem ride where you are attacked from all sides by a bored attendant constantly looking over your shoulder.

Claimants will also have to live in run-down seaside towns and go into hibernation between September and April.