Universities full of people who want to impress Alan Sugar

UNIVERSITY is poor value for money unless you are the sort of person who thinks Alan Sugar is exciting, it has been claimed.

Despite fees of up to £9,000 a year, a survey of recent graduates said university was mostly people doing business courses and going to bed early, rather than getting shitfaced on snakebite and talking bollocks about everything.

Tom Logan, who has a BA from Reading University, said: “Most nights the student union bar looked like a post-seminar breakout session at a conference for regional estate agents.

“Meanwhile, the women were only interested in guys who played rugby and had a car. So I’m now 30 grand in debt and have never had I what I would describe as ‘proper sex’.

“Thank you, Nick Clegg.”

But marketing student Nikki Hollis said: “If you don’t want to impress Alan Sugar then why are you going to university in the first place?”

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Coca-Cola selfie stick no more than our civilization deserves

A SELFIE stick emblazoned with the Coke logo more or less sums up where we are as a society, it has been confirmed.

Experts agree that a branded plastic rod that assists the narcissism of cretins is the perfect symbol for humanity in 2015.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Civilizations of the past left their mark on the world by building great cities, or awe-inspiring monuments, or taming their natural environment.”

“We, by contrast, think the height of cultural achievement is to take pictures of our idiot faces while simultaneously advertising a corporate behemoth that hawks brown sugary piss.

“It’s not exactly the Colossus of Rhodes, is it?”

27-year old Tom Booker from Bedford said: “I used to worry that I would never be able to express who I was to future generations. But thanks to my Coca-Cola selfie stick, posterity will understand that I am a preening simpleton in hock to consumerism and vanity.”