Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you struggle to laugh along as the boss insists on painting you bright yellow and calling you his minion.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Saturday you recreate the feeling of buying a pair of Dre Beats headphones by buying a decent £50 pair of headphones and giving the other £100 to an utter twat.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Why not up your ‘wow it’s hot’ game in work by wearing a massive barometer around your neck like Favour Flav?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After weeks of eating nothing but super-foods you’ll achieve your goal tomorrow by being super-boring.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
I’m not sure dousing chips and meat pie with salad cream makes it a ‘salad’, actually.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’re not the most sexually experimental of signs, as Sunday’s ‘try it with my eyes open’ session with your partner suggests.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’ve really earned your holiday that starts on Saturday, inasmuch as ‘fifty weeks of fag breaks and watching your eBay bids’ counts as ‘earned’.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
In any conflict you always try to be the bigger man, but given your pasty habit that’s not difficult.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Pluto enters your sign this week, asking if it’s allowed to be a planet again like some needy little prick.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
You don’t suffer fools gladly, calling into question your position in this year’s gooseberry-judging competition.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
And when you get that feeling, you want sexual healing. ‘That feeling’ being a burning sensation when you urinate.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Come on, Tim!

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Attractive people enjoying not having to be funny

ATTRACTIVE people thoroughly enjoy not having to be funny or interesting, they have revealed.

After research found beautiful women were more likely to get their way, attractive people have admitted that being incredibly popular without any effort is really great.

PR executive Nikki Hollis said: “Every day I thank the gods I’m beautiful because men think I’m a fascinating conversationalist even if I’m drivelling on about my cat having one white paw that looks like a sock.

“It must be hell for people who have to be funny. Luckily I can just say ‘I don’t think much of the weather!’ and men will laugh like deranged hyenas on magic mushrooms.”

Male model Wayne Hayes said: “I get a real kick out of seeing an average bloke making a woman laugh and thinking he’s in with a chance, then going over and effortlessly pulling her with my gorgeous face.

“I’ve never had to develop any personality.”

Average-looking accountant Stephen Malley said: “Last night I met a beautiful woman who talked at me for four hours about kiwi fruit. I am in love with her.”