Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you struggle to laugh along as the boss insists on painting you bright yellow and calling you his minion.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
On Saturday you recreate the feeling of buying a pair of Dre Beats headphones by buying a decent £50 pair of headphones and giving the other £100 to an utter twat.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Why not up your ‘wow it’s hot’ game in work by wearing a massive barometer around your neck like Favour Flav?
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
After weeks of eating nothing but super-foods you’ll achieve your goal tomorrow by being super-boring.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
I’m not sure dousing chips and meat pie with salad cream makes it a ‘salad’, actually.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’re not the most sexually experimental of signs, as Sunday’s ‘try it with my eyes open’ session with your partner suggests.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’ve really earned your holiday that starts on Saturday, inasmuch as ‘fifty weeks of fag breaks and watching your eBay bids’ counts as ‘earned’.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
In any conflict you always try to be the bigger man, but given your pasty habit that’s not difficult.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Pluto enters your sign this week, asking if it’s allowed to be a planet again like some needy little prick.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
You don’t suffer fools gladly, calling into question your position in this year’s gooseberry-judging competition.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
And when you get that feeling, you want sexual healing. ‘That feeling’ being a burning sensation when you urinate.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Come on, Tim!