Beach body poster ‘just a standard piece-of-shit advert’

THE controversial ‘beach body’ poster is no more tawdry, exploitative and depressing than the rest of advertising, it has been confirmed.

The adverts showing a bikini-clad woman attracted complaints from people strangely unaware of the marketing imagery that surrounds them in pretty much every moment of their daily lives.

A spokesman for the Advertising Standards Authority said: “Have you people never seen an advert before?

“Let me be clear about how advertising works. They use text, imagery or moving pictures to create anxiety and then suggest that said anxiety could be eased by purchase of a thing.

“When I look at this poster, I see a picture of a sexy woman and some words trying to get you to buy some shit. What do you want us to do here, ban all adverts? Then how would you hear about all those products you people love so dearly?

“I have to look at these fucking things all day, every day. Sexy woman, buy a thing. Sexy man, buy a thing. Sexy family, go on holiday.

“I want to go and live in the countryside with some chickens and a goat.”

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Sun unhealthily interested in bikini-clad women

THE sun is shining hard to encourage women into states of undress, it has emerged.

It said: “Things are getting hot out there. On a day like today you need to get loose and take off some layers, maybe slip into some beach wear or even sensuous lingerie.

“I’m not just talking to builders and drunk men who take their shirts off every day. I’m talking to all the ladies, the beautiful ladies of Earth.

“You’re amazing, each and every one of you.

“I’m not going to burn you, I’m going to tan you just right.”

Eleanor Shaw of Stafford said: “I was walking down the street in a vest top when I felt the sun’s rays intensify to the point where the tarmac was melting.

“I looked up and saw the glowing orb leering down. He’s followed me round all day, making me uncomfortable.

“Even when I’m home he’s peeping through the blinds. Pervert.”

The sun said: “Beautiful women, I know you’ve been going to the gym three times a week and eating right. Why hide yourselves?

“I’m shining and it’s time for you to shine too.”