Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Right now the world is your Oyster, because it’s too expensive, often fails and sometimes you completely lose it.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
On Thursday, you beat Ajax 0-2 away in a shock win revitalising your European campaign. Oh wait no, that’s Fenerbahce.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your old primary school writes to you this week to inform you that you’ll be playing Joseph in the nativity play. You thought you were out, but they pull you back in for one last job.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Living in a shared house it’s important to draw up a rota for the chores, including which housemate’s turn it is to tell you to shove your rota up your arse.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A strange glowing ball of gas enters your sign Thursday, giving you the power of invisibility, but only between 3:42am and 3:43am so you’ll not even notice.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
You like to do your civic duty by giving blood, but in future wait until the donation place is open rather than just pouring it through their letterbox.
Taurus (20 APRIL20 MAY)
Little sympathy from your boss this morning when you phone in asking for compassionate leave due to Twitter getting rid of the ‘Favourite’ function.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Not for the first time, you wonder why the Greeks considered centaurs, twins and goats each to be equally mystical.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
On Sunday one of your children makes a genuinely innocent and amusing remark, which you decide not to cheapen by sending to Take A Break for cash. Besides, it had the C-word in.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Like your sign the lion, the king of the jungle, you spend most of each day sleeping on a hot rock.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Later this week, you feel nostalgic as you look through some old photographs. Well, porn magazines, but technically the same.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
People have difficulty understanding your heavy Scottish accent this week, because you were born and raised in Hertfordshire.