Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Right now the world is your Oyster, because it’s too expensive, often fails and sometimes you completely lose it.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
On Thursday, you beat Ajax 0-2 away in a shock win revitalising your European campaign. Oh wait no, that’s Fenerbahce. 

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your old primary school writes to you this week to inform you that you’ll be playing Joseph in the nativity play. You thought you were out, but they pull you back in for one last job. 

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Living in a shared house it’s important to draw up a rota for the chores, including which housemate’s turn it is to tell you to shove your rota up your arse.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A strange glowing ball of gas enters your sign Thursday, giving you the power of invisibility, but only between 3:42am and 3:43am so you’ll not even notice.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
You like to do your civic duty by giving blood, but in future wait until the donation place is open rather than just pouring it through their letterbox.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
Little sympathy from your boss this morning when you phone in asking for compassionate leave due to Twitter getting rid of the ‘Favourite’ function.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Not for the first time, you wonder why the Greeks considered centaurs, twins and goats each to be equally mystical. 

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
On Sunday one of your children makes a genuinely innocent and amusing remark, which you decide not to cheapen by sending to Take A Break for cash. Besides, it had the C-word in. 

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Like your sign the lion, the king of the jungle, you spend most of each day sleeping on a hot rock. 

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Later this week, you feel nostalgic as you look through some old photographs. Well, porn magazines, but technically the same. 

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
People have difficulty understanding your heavy Scottish accent this week, because you were born and raised in Hertfordshire. 

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Employers discriminate against job candidates who smell of alcohol

JOB interviewees who smell of stale alcohol are considerably less likely to be hired, it has emerged.

The Institute for Studies found that employers often make snap decisions about candidates with a whiff of drink about them, even if it is only mild.

Graduate Tom Booker said: “I had 18 unsuccessful interviews for accounting roles, and it was only by asking for feedback that I discovered the problem was the booze smell coming from my pores.

“I wasn’t drunk or anything. Generally I had either drunk fairly heavily the night before or, if the interview was in the afternoon, had two or perhaps three drinks at lunchtime.”

Company director Norman Steele said: “When we invite people for interview, one of the first questions we ask ourselves is ‘do they smell of drink?’.

“I’m afraid it’s a deal-breaker.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “When employers detect the ‘drink smell’ on your skin, clothes or breath, it colours their view of you, especially if you have dark eye-bags or look otherwise dishevelled. It’s unfair, but it happens.

“If you are planning to drink before an interview, disguise the smell with mints and arrive early to spray on copious amounts of deodorant in the company’s disabled toilet.”