Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Gazing into your crystal ball, the spiderweb cracks and red stains you see tell you that yes, the police will be able to identify it as the murder weapon.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you find a mysterious time portal back to the mid-1990s and make a fortune predicting plot twists on Goodnight Sweetheart.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
On Friday you buy the Adele album, just because you can’t bear for this wonderful story about record-breaking global sales to end.
Taurus (20 APRIL20 MAY)
Taureans can expect light snow in high areas on Thursday, heavy frosts and the real possibility of heavy snowfall on Friday. For other signs, it will be different.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Later today, you finish a ‘Which Britpop band are you?’ quiz to discover that you are not a Britpop band and had no business completing the quiz.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
When they say it’s good to do different things in a relationship, they don’t mean living in different countries, having totally different social lives and sleeping with different people. Although whatever works.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Japan! That’s who the other baddies in World War Two were! If only you’d remembered a week ago, you would still have got nowhere on Only Connect.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re not sure whether you’re a man who dreams he’s a butterfly or a butterfly who dreams he’s a man, which may explain your current employment status.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You would describe the weather this weekend as ‘a thin dusting of snow’, if you knew anything about dusting. Or being thin.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
On Thursday you spend a good three hours pondering what mugs have to do with Easter eggs and why they sell them together.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you will state will inexplicable pride that you only own eight CDs.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
In this cold weather, you always check in on your elderly neighbours once a day. It would be daft to let a bit of frost keep you out of their will.