Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Gazing into your crystal ball, the spiderweb cracks and red stains you see tell you that yes, the police will be able to identify it as the murder weapon. 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you find a mysterious time portal back to the mid-1990s and make a fortune predicting plot twists on Goodnight Sweetheart

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
On Friday you buy the Adele album, just because you can’t bear for this wonderful story about record-breaking global sales to end.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
Taureans can expect light snow in high areas on Thursday, heavy frosts and the real possibility of heavy snowfall on Friday. For other signs, it will be different. 

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Later today, you finish a ‘Which Britpop band are you?’ quiz to discover that you are not a Britpop band and had no business completing the quiz.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
When they say it’s good to do different things in a relationship, they don’t mean living in different countries, having totally different social lives and sleeping with different people. Although whatever works. 

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Japan! That’s who the other baddies in World War Two were! If only you’d remembered a week ago, you would still have got nowhere on Only Connect

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re not sure whether you’re a man who dreams he’s a butterfly or a butterfly who dreams he’s a man, which may explain your current employment status.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You would describe the weather this weekend as ‘a thin dusting of snow’, if you knew anything about dusting. Or being thin.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
On Thursday you spend a good three hours pondering what mugs have to do with Easter eggs and why they sell them together.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you will state will inexplicable pride that you only own eight CDs.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
In this cold weather, you always check in on your elderly neighbours once a day. It would be daft to let a bit of frost keep you out of their will.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Trump still looking for last two horsemen of apocalypse

FOLLOWING the appointment of Sarah Palin as War, Donald Trump is still looking for an additional two horsemen before he is ready to ride. 

The billionaire, who showed off his solid-gold scythe to cheering crowds begging for death yesterday, has admitted he is still missing key apocalyptic personnel. 

He said: “Sarah Palin has just the qualities of belligerent, uninformed, self-justifying aggression that I need for War. 

“And I, obviously, am Death, the end of it all coming with a vulgarity and greed that is all the 21st century deserves. 

“But the vital roles of Pestilence and Famine, which might have a lower profile in the USA  but are huge in the third world, remain unfilled.”

Shortlisted for Pestilence are the Ebola virus, a strain of anthrax engineered for biological warfare and Blurred Lines singer Robin Thicke. 

Trump added: “I’m in negotiations with Ronald McDonald for Famine. He’ll sign, and that gives us kid appeal.

“Coming in 2017.”