Ski resort ‘attracting wrong sort of twats’

A POPULAR ski resort is attracting working class twats rather than posh twats, it has emerged.

Val D’Isere is an established destination for bonk-eyed trust fund morons, shrivelled trophy wives and aspirational middle-management dipshits.

However regular visitors have expressed concern that a new, less affluent type of twat is ruining their experience.

Fund manager Tom Booker said: “I’ve come here for the last 20 years, and always found the pistes full of smug, big-haired rich alpha bastards like me.

“Yesterday though there was someone with tattoos called ‘Gaz’ and his ‘mates’ doing ‘selfies’.

“I love myself too but I’m more classy about it. I show off by doing subtle things like carrying my £50 notes in a solid gold ‘money clip’.”

Company director Roy Hobbs said: “The problem with these working class twats is that they underline my own social insecurity.

“My wife and I are trying to act like this isn’t our first skiing holiday and then her slightly common builder cousin comes skiing past shouting ‘Roy you wankaaah!’.

“It’s not what you need when you’re trying to act cool and spot ‘upper class models’ from the Mail Online sidebar.”

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Tax return hailed as creative writing masterpiece

HMRC AUDITORS have hailed a self-employed man’s tax return as a masterpiece of contemporary fiction.

Painter and decorator Stephen Malley’s SA100 tax form reveals a sweeping tale of imaginary expenses, forgotten cash payments and pretending to live on a houseboat.

Auditor Julian Cook said: “Again and again Malley took the conventions of truth and flouted them. He had the vision to see expenses where others would never have dreamed of claiming them. 

“It’s the War and Peace of tax returns. If you read just one self-assessment tax return for the fiscal year of 2014-15, make it this one.

“That’s what I told the Specialist Investigations Team anyway.”

However, Malley was oddly modest when he was asked to comment on his masterpiece by fraud prevention officers.

Malley said: “It’s totally autobiographical, everything in it really happened. Well 80 per cent of it at least, some of it comes from memory because I lost the receipts.”

The tax return is currently the subject of a bidding war between publishers, with Malley saying he will go with whoever can pay the advance cash-in-hand.