Estate agent reveals plan to read this month’s GQ for a third time

A 24-YEAR-OLD estate agent has announced that he will be spending tonight reading this month’s GQ magazine for the third time.

Wayne Hayes, who has a Kanye West quote tattooed on his arm, thinks that there were some things in the magazine that he might have missed on the previous two readings.

He said: “There’s a Bullshitter’s Guide to Grime in this issue and that’s something I really think could be useful to me. I don’t really like grime music but I feel like in a modern society, I should know about it.

“They are also showcasing the best new watches of the year and I really want to try and remember what they are called and why they are meant to be so amazing.

“Having the right watch could definitely help me sell houses.

“Also there is a thing on ‘vagina beauty contests’ and that’s got to be worth a third read, if you get what I’m saying.”

He added: “Why read books when you can read GQ multiple times?”

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Brian Cox is greatest threat to humanity, warns Stephen Hawking

PROFESSOR Stephen Hawking has warned that the greatest danger facing humanity today is Brian Cox.

Hawking warned that Cox knows fuck all about science, and that his deeply flawed documentaries will result in the extinction of humanity.

He said: “For decades I was the popular face of scientific endeavour, with my exciting-sounding but highly complicated books.

“Then along comes Cox, with the layered hair of a born philanderer, telling everyone they can do science when I heard he’s only got a 2:2 from a former poly.

“Yet somehow he has numerous television series like ‘Handsome Brian’s Made-Up Star Nonsense’ while I’m scraping along with voiceover work on broadband adverts.

“Sooner or later he’ll convince ITV2 viewers that they can do nanotech and everything will get turned into grey goo.

“He wears a suit jacket over a t-shirt. Who can trust a man like that? I know for a fact that his scripts are just printed-out pages off Wikipedia.”

He added: “D: Ream? Who cares? I was the one at the back in Soft Cell.”