Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’ve been spending most your life livin’ in a gangster’s paradise but there are excellent transport links and some nice shops there these days.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Tomorrow you’re outraged to discover that smoking is banned in prison these days. That’s it then, you’re definitely not going. 

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
As a teen, you loved those ‘Choose Your Own Adventure’ books, your favourite one being Put The Book Down & Get Pissed On The Municipal Golf Course.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
You had a great Fat Tuesday yesterday. Or as you call it, Tuesday.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
As a water sign, you are primarily made of piss and vinegar.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Like Rocky, you’re training by punching a side of beef and running up and down steps. Unlike Rocky, you’re training for your accountancy exams. 

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After months of DIY your house is really beginning to take shape. It’s the shape of a sandcastle after a dog’s sat on it, but still.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re doing really well at your reading group. They’ve moved you up to the yellow books, and if you finish two this week you’ll get a lolly. 

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Saturday it turns out that it doesn’t matter how many frequent flyer miles you’ve got, the pilot still won’t let you have a go. 

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Monday sees you step on the head of a snake but, rather than sending you back to where you used to be, it bites you.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
A tough week for Sagittarians, as it’s discovered that your star sign isn’t a centaur at all but a vinegar-based salad dressing. It’s nice – light, good with rocket – but it’s a dressing.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You’ve got the moves like Jagger, but unfortunately in your case that means ruining a perfectly good marriage by getting a random Brazilian girl pregnant. 

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Psychics still a thing

PSYCHICS are still in existence despite the fact it is 2016.

A recent report revealed that not only are psychics still operating, but many of them are making even more money than you are from your comparatively honest job.

Self-styled psychic Eleanor Shaw said: “It’s a piece of piss.

“People phone up for an appointment, I do a quick google search on them before they arrive, and then I basically say ‘everything will turn out alright’ in different ways over the course of an hour while referencing a few of their Facebook friends.

“I wear a lot of purple and have massive earrings, which makes me look mystical.”

Moron Martin Bishop said: “My psychic is wonderful.

“So far she has told me that I will be going on a journey of some significance, and lo and behold that very Thursday my company sent me to a conference in Guildford to discuss modern fireplace design.

“Nobody could have predicted that without some kind of supernatural gift.”