Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Embarrassment on Saturday when you ask the shop assistant what this catchy song about giving in to your urges and killing everybody is, and she explains that there’s no music on. 

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
On Sunday you run alongside a train waving your handkerchief in order to tell your departing lover they’ve got a massive bogey in their left nostril.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
As your sun sign is represented by the bull, you are the most likely to get BSE. Remember BSE? No, you don’t. Because you have BSE.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Start the day as you mean to go on. Drunk.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Like Mad Max: Fury Road, this week it is generally agreed that you are technically flawless but nobody actually likes you.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You’ve already started going to the gym to be beach ready for your holiday. Given how much work’s needed, it’s the one in 2021.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
After solving the mysterious labyrinth, outsmarting the cunning wizard and vanquishing the Diamond Griffin, you manage to get through to somebody in customer services at your council.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You love eavesdropping on buses because you hear the most fascinating things. Today, you hear that some nosey bastard is about to get their head kicked in.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
As the sexiest of all the star signs you should avoid any romantic relationship with Leo, who is the pimpiest of all the star signs. 

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
TV loves cooking shows and shows about entrepreneurs but you’ve still heard nothing from Channel 5 about your idea to pit rival meth kitchens against each other.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The stigma attached to eating Lidl food has largely gone these days, but not when you’re caught round the back, waist-deep in their bins.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
On Friday you go to see a psychic, but get drawn into her secret war with the magnetic healer in the opposite stall instead. Isn’t that always the way.  

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Wenger quits to become a tortoise

ARSENAL manager Arsene Wenger has given up football in order to become a tortoise, it has emerged.

The Frenchman made the announcement in an airing cupboard at the Gunners’ London Colney training ground: “Football is too much hurly burly and the weather does not suit me. I have long yearned for a winter break.

“Now I am going to have one forever, in a nice box filled with fresh straw. Over time I will grow a shell and my hands will become paw-like scaly things with little claws.

“Please remember to leave me water and food in case I wake up early. We don’t want a repeat of that horrible business with Frida off of Blue Peter.”

The Frenchman has become increasingly slow-moving in recent years, and more prone to falling asleep under heat lamps and trying to mount lumps of tree bark.