BUBBLE tea containing mysterious ‘chewy pearls’ is the actual product of Lucifer’s evil loins, it has been confirmed.
Hundreds of thousands of bubble tea enthusiasts have been tricked into consuming the black eggs of Satan after it was cleverly marketed as the successor to pumpkin latte and other ridiculous beverages.
Bubble tea drinker Emma Bradford said: “There’s something very wrong with a cup of tea that requires chewing, but I wanted my friends to think I was kooky and fun, so I kept drinking it.
“However, after a few days I started having really dark thoughts and when my boyfriend told me I was being a total cow I flayed him alive with the power of my mind, which is really out of character for me.
“But it wasn’t until I noticed that my feet were changing into cloven hooves that I realised I was actually imbibing something demonic. I know I should give it up, but I don’t want everyone to stop thinking I’m all cute and unusual like Zooey Deschanel.”
Satan said: “My sticky black eggs, which would otherwise hatch into demons, are high in Vitamins B and D. Keep consuming them and Apple computers, you fools.”