Bubble tea literally the spawn of the devil

BUBBLE tea containing mysterious ‘chewy pearls’ is the actual product of Lucifer’s evil loins, it has been confirmed.

Hundreds of thousands of bubble tea enthusiasts have been tricked into consuming the black eggs of Satan after it was cleverly marketed as the successor to pumpkin latte and other ridiculous beverages.

Bubble tea drinker Emma Bradford said: “There’s something very wrong with a cup of tea that requires chewing, but I wanted my friends to think I was kooky and fun, so I kept drinking it.

“However, after a few days I started having really dark thoughts and when my boyfriend told me I was being a total cow I flayed him alive with the power of my mind, which is really out of character for me.

“But it wasn’t until I noticed that my feet were changing into cloven hooves that I realised I was actually imbibing something demonic. I know I should give it up, but I don’t want everyone to stop thinking I’m all cute and unusual like Zooey Deschanel.”

Satan said: “My sticky black eggs, which would otherwise hatch into demons, are high in Vitamins B and D. Keep consuming them and Apple computers, you fools.”

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Clean Up The Queen aims to stop monarch’s filthy language

THE Clean Up The Queen campaign is enlisting the public’s help to stop Her Majesty cursing like a drunken sailor. 

The monarch’s habitual profanity has always been tolerated but advancing age has brought the clean-to-obscene ratio to 1:1, making public engagements impossible.

The Lord Chamberlain said: “It’s a wonderful tradition, of course.

“It was one of the best moments of Brucie’s life when she said ‘Arise, Sir fucking Forsyth’, and we get away with the Queen’s Speech because we translate the rude bits to Latin.

“But when she’s meeting the public, such is British deference that when she asks ‘And what the fuck do you do, penis-breath?’ they feel compelled to reply ‘I’m a restorer of medieval cocksucking manuscripts, ma’am.’

“So we’re asking everyone, for the next few months, to go against their natural instincts and reprimand the Queen for her terrible language, hitting her on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper if necessary.

“Together we can make this dirty, potty-mouthed old head of state the pride of our nation once again.”

He added: “As long as nobody gets her onto Prince Charles. Nothing stops the torrent of filth then.”