Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If people can’t handle you at your worst, they’ve probably got little patience for house guests that defecate on their sofa.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Knowing how fundamentally unfair the universe is, you predict that this week, photos will emerge of Donald Trump’s cock looking like a Pringles tube wrapped in Parma ham.

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
It’s a bull market, which is to say you’re the victim of people trafficking. 

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You set a legal precedent on Monday when your boss shows the DWP your work over the last six months and they allow you to be paid under the minimum wage.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Oh I do like to be beside the seaside, oh I do like to be beside the sea, oh I do like to repeat myself in slightly a more succinct manner.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You research your family history this week and discover you’re a distant relative of the guy researching his family history across the table, so you really shouldn’t have had sex. 

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Tonight you tell your date that you used to be really into serial killers, but there haven’t been any good new ones for ages. 

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You reach a peak of health according to your biorhythms this week, so no pulling a sickie because HR routinely read and record everyone’s horoscopes. 

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
‘Jinx!’ you shout when you and a colleague say the same thing at the same time, but they don’t say it and are immediately crushed beneath a falling ice sculpture. 

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your sign is going through a turbulent patch, which is what you’re choosing to call your current digestive problems.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The first two rules of Fight Club are don’t talk about Fight Club. The third rule is no girls. 

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
On Sunday, you finally achieve your dream of hatching a clutch of Mini Eggs. “You’re beautiful,” you whisper, before you die.

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Annoying man with diabolo already spotted in local park

A MAN who will spend the entire summer mistaking the contemptuous stares of strangers for admiration has already got his diabolo out, it has emerged.

Part-time barista Nathan Muir, 26, has taken advantage of the warmer weather and started spending his afternoons annoying everyone in his local park much earlier than usual.

Muir commented: “I like to put some loud reggae on my phone and play with my diabolo. The office workers on their lunch breaks love it because it shows them that there’s life outside of spreadsheets and emails.

“I catch them looking at me and I can see they’re wishing they could shrug off the shackles of their jobs and have the freedom that I do to just play.

“Sometimes I ask them if they want a go and they get really cross. But I know they’re cross with themselves because they’re so cowed by The Man that they can’t loosen up and join me.”

Credit control clerk Tom Logan commented: “He ruins every lunchtime slinging that thing around. If it lands on my sandwich again I’m going to punch him in the throat.”