Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
If people can’t handle you at your worst, they’ve probably got little patience for house guests that defecate on their sofa.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Knowing how fundamentally unfair the universe is, you predict that this week, photos will emerge of Donald Trump’s cock looking like a Pringles tube wrapped in Parma ham.
Taurus (20 APRIL20 MAY)
Its a bull market, which is to say youre the victim of people trafficking.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You set a legal precedent on Monday when your boss shows the DWP your work over the last six months and they allow you to be paid under the minimum wage.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Oh I do like to be beside the seaside, oh I do like to be beside the sea, oh I do like to repeat myself in slightly a more succinct manner.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You research your family history this week and discover you’re a distant relative of the guy researching his family history across the table, so you really shouldn’t have had sex.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Tonight you tell your date that you used to be really into serial killers, but there haven’t been any good new ones for ages.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You reach a peak of health according to your biorhythms this week, so no pulling a sickie because HR routinely read and record everyone’s horoscopes.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
‘Jinx!’ you shout when you and a colleague say the same thing at the same time, but they don’t say it and are immediately crushed beneath a falling ice sculpture.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your sign is going through a turbulent patch, which is what you’re choosing to call your current digestive problems.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
The first two rules of Fight Club are dont talk about Fight Club. The third rule is no girls.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
On Sunday, you finally achieve your dream of hatching a clutch of Mini Eggs. Youre beautiful, you whisper, before you die.