Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
On Friday, you decide to make yourself some of that fancy vodka with gold flakes in, and head out to the shops to pick up a cheese-grater and a goldfish.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
This week, why not write 30 open letters a day to people you perceive to have criticised your parenting? That seems worthwhile.
Taurus (20 APRIL20 MAY)
Its a great week for you financially, because you were born with money.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Your crystal is quartz, your spirit animal is a seahorse, your aura colour is aquamarine and your card has declined so I’m going to need cash.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A party on Friday goes badly, as you learn you cant claim diplomatic immunity to get out of a game of Diplomacy.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
A personal triumph for you on Saturday, as your song Truck Away The Pain hits number one on the Billboard Hot Country chart. Unfortunately you live in Britain, where nobody gives a fuck.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
If you have one ambition in life, it’s to be the bloke who looks a bit like Martin Clunes in the opening credits to Cheers.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’re kicked out of Weight Watchers tomorrow when you ask why they’re not called Chubby Checkers.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
No news from Dave on your show idea Meth History, where comedians munted on crack recount historical events while hustling handjobs for spare change.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Today you’ll celebrate the announcement of a new Indiana Jones film by smashing every single film camera in the world.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It’s been some time since you nourished your spiritual side so this Sunday why not light some candles, adopt a relaxing position, take some deep breaths and watch Nuns On The Run again?
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Some of your best friends are black. Given the fact they’re all imaginary, they can basically be any colour you want.