Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
On Saturday the police don’t accept your explanation that “It’s a private matter” when you’re found at 3am, knee deep in the village pond, inside a duck.
Taurus (20 APRIL20 MAY)
Your fitness regime is going well as you manage to do 5k before work on Thursday, ‘k’ standing for ‘KitKats’, obviously.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you manage a take on stylish smart-casual that is so hot, it actually manages to melt steel beams.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
A bad start to the week on Monday as thousands demonstrate outside your office demanding your resignation following revelations you haven’t put into the tea fund for months.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You spend 10 minutes today thinking The Archers has taken a somewhat avant garde turn before realising it’s the shipping forecast.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
That pair of shoes you’ve been tracking on eBay end their auction tonight so you’ll need to be sharp if you’re to complete your terrifying clown outfit.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Your sign is ruled by passion, determination and travel-sickness.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Why not liven up your next smear test by leaving a little note up there saying “Help, I have been trapped in here for the last three years”?
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
No word from BBC2 about your competitive baking show featuring half a dozen furious parents throwing together Rice Krispies and chocolate for tomorrow’s bake sale they were told about ten minutes ago.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week will be spent hard at work on your creative writing class assignment, where you try to explain in under 1,000 words the presence of that CCTV in the gents’ toilets.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A good book, a roaring fire, a dozing cat curled up on your lap – not as good getting shitted on cough syrup, is it?
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This summer you will plan your holiday with military precision, meaning it will take ten years, cost several billion pounds and end the lives of thousands.