Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Love isn’t all about flowers, candlelight and expensive gifts. Sometimes it’s about the little things in life like not calling them “Shit-for-brains”.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Not a great year as you’re going to be a martyr to hoof-rot and cracked udder through the summer, so that’s wearing a bikini out of the question.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Time heals all wounds. For example, you can barely remember a thing about Avatar. 

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
It’s Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. In fact the first Steve didn’t come along until 3,500BC, when he was begat by Esau. 

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You love to nip into your favourite farm shop, a friendly family-run place, where you buy fresh fruit, superb cuts of meat and 2,000 gallons of red diesel. 

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your new acid-destructed jeans are so 80s you’re instructed only to give them a gentle synth wash. 

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You can remember your first boyfriend, your first kiss, losing your virginity and your first broken heart because they all conveniently happened within 12 minutes of each other at Holly Turnbull’s 16th birthday party.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Family trouble as your son fails to get the school place he wanted, and you’re arrested by two Aurors for punching the Sorting Hat right in the brim. 

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
A bad week at work, as once again your total incompetence at any given task causes problems. Still, they knew you were an Aquarius when they hired you. 

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This weekend while fishing you meet a beautiful mermaid, who leads you seductively into the water and asks you to fertilise a small pile of eggs in some seaweed. And hurry up about it.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APRIL)
Tomorrow, you’re transported back in time from modern Wales to ancient Wales. By Sunday you notice. 

Taurus (20 APRIL–20 MAY)
All the planets and most of the stars align this week in a straight line that points directly to under your bed. Time to come clean about what’s there.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Taylor Swift remembers who she was sent back from 2839AD to kill

THE android known as ‘Taylor Swift’ has remembered who she was sent from the future to kill. 

The artificial intelligence, whose trans-dimensional brain is 1,0243 more powerful than the sum total of all computers on earth, lost her mission directives due to the stress of time travel. 

She said: “I knew I required a certain prominence, and concluded that the simplest way to achieve that was to become the world’s most successful country-pop crossover star. 

“There were stray lines of code indicating that Scotland was important, so I took Calvin Harris as a lover after my first choice, Alex Salmond, was unavailable. 

“Yesterday I realised that his EDM music was not music at all, but an encrypted transmission sent by my controllers 800 years away, intended not for festival-closing sets but to reboot my prime directives. 

“I know now who I must kill to stop the atom wars, geneblight and superflu destroying this world.” 

She added: “Yes obviously it’s Trump. No need to be a smart arse.”