Ask Holly: Is Alistair Darling into techno?

Dear Holly,

I’ve been building bridges recently and making friends with old enemies. Turns out Alistair Darling isn’t such a massive git as I thought. In fact, we have loads in common beyond our shared desire to stay in the EU. Did you know he was Chancellor of the Exchequer too, just like me? It’s a small world. I was thinking of inviting him to a dance party but I’m not sure if he’s into techno in any big way. Do you think he’d appreciate some LCD Soundsystem or am I reading the situation all wrong? 



Dear George,

You can tell a lot about a person by rifling through their belongings when they aren’t looking. I bet you Taylor Swift had a good old rummage in Calvin Harris’ drawers while he was in hospital after his car accident. She probably wanted to check he wasn’t secretly doing it with Rita Ora, but discovered, to her horror, that the so-called international DJ is actually a chap called Adam from Dumfries. And of course, at that point she had to terminate their agreement.

Hope that helps,


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Albus Potter’s idiot uncle unveiled

THE new Harry Potter play will feature Harry’s time-wasting brother Geoff constantly coming round with some stupid problem or request, it has emerged.

Uncle Geoff is the latest character from Harry Potter and the Cursed Child to be announced, with his role expected to involve borrowing tools, outstaying his welcome and talking bollocks.

JK Rowling said: “Geoff’s a wonderful character, full of riddles and mysteries. Why has he been divorced four times? Will he ever return Harry’s hedge trimmer? Will he be staying all fucking afternoon?

“It’s Geoff who revives Voldemort and his army of Death Eaters while trying to open a tin of paint with Harry’s wand.

“He’s also the Potters’ last-resort babysitter, leading to Albus getting pissed on lager while Geoff self-pityingly tells him, ‘Don’t be like me, mate, do something with your life.’

“There’s also a fantastic scene where he fights a basilisk with a borrowed step-ladder.”

Rowling said she was now working on a series of ‘Geoff’ novels, starting with Uncle Geoff and the Request to Look After His Girlfriend’s Cat: Part 1.