Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on it. Or put some clamps on it and had it pierced. Slamming it in a kitchen drawer would have been interesting too.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
There comes a time in your life when you have to stop running. Have you considered the javelin instead?

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Barzini is dead. So is Phillip Tattallgia. Moe Green. Slacci. Cuneo. Today I settled all family business. Oh, and I also signed up for one of those organic box deliveries. They just send you whatever’s in season. It sounds really good.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You finally find a restaurant that serves food that tastes just like your mother used to make. What are the chances of finding another cook with precisely the same fungal infection?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your fears over identity theft are eased after a security expert reassures you that your identity is utterly worthless.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Too late, my time has come. Sends shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time. What was the date on that yoghurt?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
I swear to God, if you do not stop that aimless, working class whistling I will tell them you left here hours ago.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week sign off from your weather forecast by saying ‘now back to the newsdesk for a load of over-hyped bullshit produced by some preening tosspots who wouldn’t know a fucking story if it bit them on the cock’. And then scratch your chin.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
I paid for the full hour now get back down there and pretend to be Baroness Thatcher.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Be the bull you’ve always wanted to be. Except don’t have sex in a field when there’s children going past in a car. That’s not nice.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you mark 100 days in coalition by slipping some horse laxative into Vince Cable’s tea and then staring at him blankly while he shits himself.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Still no sign of Sarah Beeny’s nursing bra. Are you sure you there was enough postage on the stamped, addressed envelope?


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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
I’m really into tattoos, but I’m finding some people are prejudiced against me as a result. I’ve also found that no-one wants to employ me, simply because I express myself through body art. Finding myself on the receiving end of such narrow-minded oppression, I can understand how people like Martin Luther King, Emmaline Pankhurst and Lady Gaga must have felt being judged on the basis of their non-conformist appearance. Just because I have ‘bitch fucka’ written on my forehead doesn’t mean I can’t work in a bank.

Dear Justin,
Last week during art class we were all doing finger paintings of our pets. Oliver French dipped the end of his peepee in red poster paint and I have to say, it made the most delightful heart-shaped splodges on the paper, although I’m not sure the finished piece looked anything like a hamster. Unfortunately, it appears, as in your situation, that geniuses like Oliver have to suffer for their art, because when Mrs Oxley caught him she had one of her scary emotional breakdowns and made him go and read Deuteronomy 23: 1 in story corner for the rest of the afternoon. Thankfully, Oliver is an artist at heart, and instead of letting philistines like Mrs Oxley subdue his creativity, he channelled it into creating a thought-provoking mural on the mirror of the boy’s toilets. I’m not sure where he got that sticky brown paint from, but it certainly made a lasting impression on the headmaster, who doesn’t appear to be an art lover either.
Hope that helps!