Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Extra flavour can be achieved by placing cloves, star anise and garlic under the skin. If they’re circumcised, just swab it with Marmite.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
This week you’ll impress the judges with a spirited foxtrot and an inventive reworking of the tango. You’re still going to jail for pissing on that horse, though.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Everybody remembers their first time and you’re whisked back to that magical night as you walk past a greengrocers displaying a melon with a hole in it.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
If your time at university taught you just one thing, you were probably just as fucking thick as the rest of the arseholes on your course.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital, you send one of his to the morgue. Remember that and you’ll make a brilliant lollipop lady.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This thing called love, I just can’t handle it. This thing called love, I must get round to it. But in the meantime there’s always prossies and wanking.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You’re faced with a difficult decision this week as the alcohol has started producing crippling hangovers and sobriety results in vertiginous bouts of horrifying self-awareness. Have you considered glue?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You’re very fond of shouting at your browbeaten work peons that failure is not an option, but try telling that to your fuzzy, swollen heart, cholesterol-boy.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You find it easy to remember the fate of Henry VIII’s wives as you also went through two divorces and a pair of beheadings until you found the girl of your dreams.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Many academics have argued that football is a codified expression of unvoiced communal emotions and if that means ‘punching darkies’ then you couldn’t agree more.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your application to be on Come Dine With Me is rejected after you ask what kind of glass one should serve surgical alcohol in.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week, why not underline your liberal credentials by selling $60bn of terrifying weaponry to a country full of homosexual-executing lunatics?

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Your Problems Solved, With Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
For the past year, I’ve been having an affair with the milkman, the postman, the man who reads the gas meter, the paper boy, the guy who fixed our downstairs toilet, the Avon lady and next door’s golden retriever. At first these liaisons seemed like a bit of harmless fun to pass the time while my husband is off playing golf or fiddling with his secretary, but now it’s starting to become a bit of a hassle. I don’t seem to get any ‘me’ time these days. Is there anything you can suggest to help me manage my time better and focus on more important matters, such as watching the entire final season of Lost?

Dear Veronica,
It sounds to me like you’ve got far too much going on and you need to stop being friends with some of these people before it all becomes too much and you go mental like Mrs Peacock. Mrs Peacock was a teacher at my school who was always far too busy teaching history, geography and religious education, plus organising school fetes and coaching the netball team and constantly punishing small children for playground misdemeanours. She always had a manic look in her eye and it was clear it wouldn’t take much to push her over the edge. Which is why we weren’t surprised when someone (Oliver French) drew an interpretation of Mrs Peacock naked on the blackboard for the fifteenth day in a row and she went crazy and took Lucy Morris hostage in the PE cupboard for three hours. Lots of scary police officers surrounded the school and eventually Mrs Peacock was wrestled to the ground and disarmed of her stapler and HB pencil. We never saw Mrs Peacock again and it was all a bit weird for a while and they put security cameras in each classroom and replaced all the knives in the canteen with plastic spoons, but things are very much back to normal now. So if I were you I’d avoid doing a Mrs Peacock and restrict yourself to the postman and the dog.
Hope that helps!