Your Astrological Week Ahead, With Psychic Bob

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
The people who say that the best form of revenge is a life well-lived
have clearly never pissed through the letterbox of a dole officer who’s
turned down your sickness benefit claim.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
On Thursday while you’re investigating some unusual looking pods on an
alien planet one of them opens up and a slimy creature jumps at your
face, pierces your space helmet and impregnates you. A couple of days
later just when you’re feeling your old self again, the gestated alien
foetus rips though your stomach, lets out a blood-curdling screech and
then scurries off leaving your shipmates stunned and horrified while you
lie there twitching as your guts spill across the table. And on Friday
an old flame gets back in touch.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
The internet is the greatest invention of the last 100 years, so by all means spend the weekend seeing what it would look like if you and the Nolan Sisters had kids?

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Part of the doctor’s advice for your bleeding piles is to avoid excessive wiping. Why does he think you do that?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
We are the champions, my friends and we’ll keep on fighting ’til the end. Unless of course we get contacted via a third party by some shady Middle East betting syndicate.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Why not give your home the feeling of space, light and warmth it currently lacks by burning the fucking place to the ground?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force. Or Fern Britton.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A difficult day at work in your ad agency as it takes a whole eight minutes to decide to make the new set of aftershave adverts a series of oblique, pseudo-intellectual phrases mumbled over pictures of muscular torsos.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
This week find a busker and then join in with whatever song he’s singing except do in a really weird falsetto while making obscene hand gestures.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This week you  stand in front of thousands of people and explain why you sold out everything you, and by extension they, ever purported to believe in for the fleeting illusion of power, all the while your thoughts drowned out by your desperate, screaming soul. Enjoy.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you do what you can for the victims of the Pakistani flood by haggling over a pair of second hand trousers in Oxfam.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
There’s a certain romantic nobility to your drinking, a bit like Nicholas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas. Except that with you it’s really more Staying in Wetherspoons.

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Millions To Watch Commonwealth Games To See If Something Collapses

MILLIONS of people who had no intention of watching the Commonwealth Games are now eager to tune in just to see if the stadium collapses.

Organisers had feared mass indifference to the world’s most irrelevant sporting spectacular but now anticipate record figures based on the treacherous state of the multi-hundred pound facilities.

Some of the best action is expected to be in the velodrome, which was completed in a personal best of just under two hours by a gang of Filipino infants and is really just of a lot of old magazines piled precariously on top of each other.

Meanwhile the bottom of the Delhi Commonwealth pool was finished late last night with some sheets of grease-proof paper and a couple of packs of India’s version of blu-tak.

Sports construction analyst Stephen Malley said: “About three or four seconds into the men’s 100m backstroke the bottom should give way and all the swimmers will be sucked down what will look to the TV viewers at home like a giant plughole. God only knows what happens to them after that.”

Audiences can also look forward to seeing some of the world’s least famous athletes competing while severely traumatised from spending the night in the Commonwealth Village.

Malley added: “Watch out for the Canadian long jumper Kirk McKenzie lying on the track weeping like a grandmother and trying to wash himself with a single sheet of wet toilet paper.

“It is going to be a challenge to break 8.5 metres when you’ve been sitting up in bed all night, clutching the blanket to your chin and listening intently for signs of chronic structural weakness.”

Experts said the exciting gap between the promise and the reality of Delhi’s Commonwealth facilities reflected the amazing richness and diversity of India in the 21st century.

Tom Booker, author of India: Land of Fuck Me, What’s that Stench? said: “Remember this is a society with cholera and a space programme. It is a society divided between the 20 or so people who appear on the Sunday Times Rich List and think the entire world looks like the lobby of a five star hotel and the other billion who live knee deep in their own shite.”

He added: “Given that about 80 people die in India whenever someone opens a cupboard, if they can keep the Commonwealth Games death toll to under 3000 it should be regarded as unqualified success.”