ITV is to refresh its Saturday night schedules with the motiveless abuse show You’ve Been A Shit.
Members of the public will be invited to send in clips of them tying dogs to motorway central reservations and psychologically bullying the mentally fragile.
Abandoning the traditional message assuring viewers that nobody was hurt, a large part of YBAS will be devoted to detailing the lasting physical and mental damage to all those involved.
Producer, Bill McKay, said: “Anyone who’s been outdoors for more than 12 seconds will know that Britain is crammed to bursting with slate-eyed, donkey-punching sadists who love nothing more than watching shaky footage of other sadists pissing on the dying embers of mankind’s decency.
“With funny graphics and a swanee whistle.”
Carlisle recidivist and banned pet-owner Wayne Hayes said he could not wait for the new show.
“I’ve got some mint footage of our little Glee setting fire to her classmate’s hair on an iPhone I nicked from our social worker. How much do I get for that?”
McKay added: “Thirty years ago, this sort of thing would inevitably have inspired the likes of Huw Wheldon to commission a 12-part documentary exploring the various political, economic and sociological factors.
“But instead we’ve got a third-rate stand-up laughing over footage of a Bangladeshi off-license owner being chased by a Doberman.”