Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Silence around the Christmas dinner table as your uncle says he hasn’t seen that much meat stuffed up the same bird since he was in Bangkok with the Merchant Navy.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You prove that nothing is impossible after achieving a thunderous orgasm in full view of the Queen’s Speech while your partner wears a pair of foam antlers and a red plastic nose.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The Sound Of Music, lashings of tinsel, quality time with your mum. So what do gay people do at Christmas then?
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? In the lane, snow is glistening. And has been for about three weeks actually. Fucking piece of shit council can kiss my arse.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Get invited back next year by telling your niece that a pregnant girl who says she’s a virgin is what’s known in the trade as a ‘lying, two-faced scrubber’.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’re running through the snowbound airport in your sweaty vest, AK47 blasting, and thinking ‘this is almost as bad as last year at the wife’s staff Christmas party’. Only this time there’s terrorists.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your grandmother’s presents have always been educational and this year’s will teach you that Poundland does gift vouchers. Good old British Gas.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows when you’ve been bad or good but apparently he doesn’t know you wouldn’t wear an M&S v-neck jumper even if it was weaved from Scarlett Johansson’s quim thatch.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Finding the shilling in the Christmas pudding backfires as you’re press-ganged onto a dreadnought headed for the Battle of Trafalgar. That could be quite sore.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You finally have your fill of turkey when, on January 5th, your partner fashions a rudimentary sex toy from an off-colour drumstick.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’re on the phone to the Advertising Standards Authority on Boxing Day when your Iceland Christmas party pack turns out to be less like a cross between Moulin Rouge and Loose Women and more like the taste of hollowed-out, deep-fried despair.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’ve given your nephew a toy drum and his own bodyweight in sweets, revealed the plot of Eastenders and told your sister-in-law what happened on your brother’s stag do in Prague. Time for a well earned sherry.