Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
If you need a hobby why not dress as an old man, hang around weddings and tell the groom you’re him from the future and you’ve come to warn him about the terrible consequences of going through with the ceremony?

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Got the entire country setting fire to things and calling for your head? Why not get all your staff to swap desks? That should calm things down a treat.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
I’ve got chills, they’re multiplying, and I’m losing control of my bowel movements. Oh dear, I seem to have malaria.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
After loudly denouncing the abuse of the English language brought about by Twitter and ‘textspeak’, everyone is eagerly awaiting your shimmering work of linguistic genius. In your own time.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
While demanding ketchup with everything you eat might mark you out as being common, smearing some on your communion wafer has nudged you into the realm of sacrilegious.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your helpful attitude, flexibility and dedication to the job are just three of the reasons why you’ve recently been made redundant by the council.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
After using the wrong cutlery all evening, passing the port to the right and cutting the nose off the cheese, you figure you may as well go all out and ask for your brandy in a pint glass whilst scratching your gonads with a dessert fork.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
It’s all futuristic and that. Things are really rubbish but you’ve got some sort of special power or something that will save everyone. There’s a big fight at the end, which you win. Et fucking cetera.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
If your teenage son has become secretive, withdrawn and defensive about his behaviour, it’s a sign he may be dabbling in drugs. That or he’s masturbating like a bored chimpanzee.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
A rainy Sunday afternoon curled up on the couch watching an old black and white film with your other half is really what love is all about. It doesn’t have to be a passive-aggressive nightmare that is slowly killing you.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Horoscope status: 17% complete. Press Esc to quit and take some fucking responsibility for your own existence.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
It’s Jupiter, he’s got Pluto and Mercury stuffed in a pillowcase and he’s asking everyone if they know where you are. Crikey.

Internet damaging children's Home and Away-watching skills

YOUNG people’s obsession with the internet could spell the end for traditional pastimes like watching Home and Away, according to new research.

The Institute for Studies found that 74% of under-13s are unable to watch an entire episode of the Australian soap opera without touching Alf Stewart’s forehead in the hope of opening another browser.

Concerned parent Tom Logan said: “When I was growing up, the whole household would get together to enjoy television whether it was sitcoms, the news or erotic thrillers.

“It was very much a shared experience, all of us staring at the same screen and helping each other focus for up to half an hour at a time.”

He added: “The storylines on shows like The Bill would be exciting but also carry a moral message that really made you think.

“We would pass crisps around, and sometimes the silence in the room would be punctuated by someone making a comment about a character’s hat.

“And unlike internet sessions, no one would be masturbating.”

Concern over the impact of the internet on television has led parents’ group Parental Guidance to launch ‘TV Is Cool’, a campaign designed to stimulate young people’s interest in traditional broadcasting.

Director Helen Archer said: “We’ve designed a colourful character called Terry the Telly, who is really friendly and always showing great programmes like Hollyoaks and Gossip Girl.

“Meanwhile, his arch enemy is Internet Ivan, a black laptop who sounds a bit Russian and is afraid of daylight.

“He’s also full of tiny paedophiles.”