Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You’re right, George. You know what was missing when the Queen married Prince Philip? A stoned Frankie Laine doing a cover of Leaning on a Lamppost.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
The next time you visit South America, why not leave the holiday resort to go and find ‘the real country’? Your parents are good for a spot ransom, I assume?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
What better way to spend your 40th birthday this week than finally getting a GP appointment to have your colic seen to?

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Your credit rating has plummeted to such depths that when you try and check it on a website, your office internet filter blocks it due to obscenity.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Why not question the intelligence of athletes during a conversation in a bid to make yourself appear clever? Just hope the conversation doesn’t drift toward the topics of dedication, commitment or success.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Perhaps a lack of parental role models in your formative years ingrained a pattern of abandonment fears in your psyche which has manifested itself in adulthood as an inability to hold down a relationship for more than a few weeks. Or maybe you just really like cock.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’re given a textbook example of the concept of ‘vagueness’ this week when somebody says they’re going to watch Tron, ‘but the good one, not the rubbish one’.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your first clue that it was spam was when your 65-year-old grandmother apparently posted a link about self-filmed porn with the words ‘OMG’ & ‘LOLZ’ in the comments section. The second being that your grandmother died in 2004.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Sexual role-playing can keep a relationship fresh, but it may be time for a rethnk when you find yourself resorting to ‘The Architect and the Planning Sub-Committee’.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Come fly with me, lets’s fly, let’s fly away. Although if you’re wearing shoes that’s going to be £10 extra.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
A transcendent experience on your next business trip as you absently open the Gideons Bible in your hotel room and there’s a slip of paper in it telling you the previous guest has managed to unscramble the porn channel.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
If you’re thinking of using the suffix ‘aholic’ to describe something you quite like – chocaholic for instance – just ask yourself whether you’d nosh off an unwashed lorry driver behind some bins for the price of a Crunchie. Oh you would? Fair enough.



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Teenagers get somebody else to blame

FERTILITY treatment that uses DNA from three parents will give ungrateful adolescents somebody else to wish death upon.

Genetic material can now be combined from a mother, a father and that family friend that is really close for a number of years and then is never seen again for reasons nobody ever has fully explained to them.

The process was first demonstrated naturally by a Carlisle woman appearing on the Jeremy Kyle Show when one of their paternity specials proved that six people in a Magaluf bar she had visited two years ago were the father of her child.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute For Studies, said “We hope the additional energy needed to demonstrably strop away from a third parent will also help tackle childhood obesity. Indeed the numerous new combinations possible in playing three parents off each other could see them utterly exhausted.

“And the mind games available when discussing the new partners of three divorced parents could see kids develop the kind of manipulative brinkmanship normally only found in international trade negotiations.”

The IVF treatment will initially be used to help prevent genetic birth defects, but Brubaker predicts it will eventually be used to weed out ugliness such as ginger hair, a Welsh accent or, horribly, both.

He  added: “Just as Edward Jenner was known for eradicating Smallpox, I hope one day to be known as the man who rid the earth of fat arses. It won’t happen in my lifetime, but maybe my great-grandchildren will see old footage of Americans and have to be told what species they are.”

Kyle Stephenson, a 13-year-old little fucker,  said: “Last night I was denied some passing whim and still had several more imprecations to scream at a parent but the two I’ve got had already locked themselves in their room with a True Blood DVD and a bottle of Jim Beam.

“I need to able to hurl obscenities at a third parent who is not a neglectful, drunken sex fiend.”