Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Kids do say the funniest things, but mostly they say annoying, repetitive shit.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
And did those feet, in ancient times, walk upon England’s mountains green? If you’re talking about Jesus, then no, obviously not.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Part of you might be enjoying ‘going with the flow’. Another part could be disorientated. But that’s what happens when you have a sword fight in the middle of a river.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Relief this week as it turns out it’s your son rather than your house that’s haunted, saving you from all that fannying about with estate agents and removal men.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
It probably was a dodgy last pint that caused you to be ill, after all it is easy to end up in a dirty pub at the end of a three-day bender.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
I’ll see your ‘he wasn’t on our radar’ and raise you a ‘he was living next door to one of your generals’.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
This week body language becomes more important than ever when your tongue is bitten off by an angry crow.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Exhaustion finally sets in at the Middleton household after five days days of running around the house with their shirts over their heads shouting ‘Get the FUCK in!’.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your attempts to put the magic back into your relationship fail after yanking a rabbit from your fandango is judged to be a turn off.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Why not add really authentic touches of rustic charm to your kitchen by spending 18 drudgery-filled hours a day in it and dropping dead, a spent husk, at the age of 43 over the Aga?
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
You finally reach the liberating stage of house rental where you realise there’s absolutely no way you’re getting your deposit back from the landlord and can now let the place turn into a scale model of Calcutta.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
This week you have a chance to cast your ballot in a referendum on proposed changes to the UK’s voting system. And neither am I.