Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’ll hear something you don’t hear every day when somebody says “It’s Thursday today”.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
I don’t think you can call a drink nine hours before you go to bed a ‘nightcap’. How about ‘slumped at your deskcap’?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Excellent news as your application for Channel 5’s Are You Britain’s Fattest Herpes Sufferer? is accepted. Now comes the difficult part – telling your congregation.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your motivational mantra this week is “Impossible is just a word, whereas ‘fuck this for a game of soldiers’ is a far-more impressive seven words.”

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
I’m a survivor, I’m a bus driver, Lady Godiva, lend me a fiver. They don’t write lyrics like that any more.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
More people have listened to a sodding fish babble nonsense this week than will ever listen to anything you will ever say for the rest of your life.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A session at the gym leaves you sore and stiff all day. Next time, you should get somebody to help you unload all those boxes of illegal supplements.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
While you’d hesitate to accuse the producers of Paranormal Activity 4 of running out of ideas, you do feel a little aggrieved paying £10 to watch paratroopers acting in an unremarkable way.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On the downside, working in an office full of menopausal women is like having a desk in an orchid house staffed by tea-fuelled hyenas on crystal meth. On the plus side…nope, I’ve got nothing.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you’ll have the difficult task of explaining to your partner why you were fired from the hospital for using the MRI scanner to see whether it was a peanut or an orange cream in your bag of Revels.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Horoscopes are for entertainment purposes only. You pointless cloud of bastard.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’ve been left scarred by your existentialist boarding school education, where they taught that every time you masturbate a kitten kills God.