Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You’ll hear something you don’t hear every day when somebody says “It’s Thursday today”.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
I don’t think you can call a drink nine hours before you go to bed a ‘nightcap’. How about ‘slumped at your deskcap’?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Excellent news as your application for Channel 5’s Are You Britain’s Fattest Herpes Sufferer? is accepted. Now comes the difficult part – telling your congregation.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your motivational mantra this week is “Impossible is just a word, whereas ‘fuck this for a game of soldiers’ is a far-more impressive seven words.”

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
I’m a survivor, I’m a bus driver, Lady Godiva, lend me a fiver. They don’t write lyrics like that any more.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
More people have listened to a sodding fish babble nonsense this week than will ever listen to anything you will ever say for the rest of your life.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A session at the gym leaves you sore and stiff all day. Next time, you should get somebody to help you unload all those boxes of illegal supplements.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
While you’d hesitate to accuse the producers of Paranormal Activity 4 of running out of ideas, you do feel a little aggrieved paying £10 to watch paratroopers acting in an unremarkable way.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On the downside, working in an office full of menopausal women is like having a desk in an orchid house staffed by tea-fuelled hyenas on crystal meth. On the plus side…nope, I’ve got nothing.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you’ll have the difficult task of explaining to your partner why you were fired from the hospital for using the MRI scanner to see whether it was a peanut or an orange cream in your bag of Revels.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Horoscopes are for entertainment purposes only. You pointless cloud of bastard.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’ve been left scarred by your existentialist boarding school education, where they taught that every time you masturbate a kitten kills God.

 

 

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Are you a twat?

Simply answer ‘yes’ or ‘no’ to each of the following questions to discover whether you are a twat.

The Daily Mash Twat Test

1. Have you ever kissed your own bicep?

2. Do you know the names of two or more luxury jam brands?

3. Are you in favour of Clarkson?

4. When arriving by car to collect a friend, do you simply pull up in the middle of the road and honk your horn until they emerge?

5. Have you ever registered a Twitter account in the name of a celebrity’s pet?

6. Do you regularly use the word ‘lifestyle’?

7. Do you consider yourself more knowledgeable about wine than others in your peer group?

8. Would you describe yourself as having a ‘packed schedule’?

9. Do you work in television?

10. Have you already planned your costume for next year’s Bestival?

11. Have you ever been described as ‘excitable’?

12. Can you juggle, or do you think juggling is good?

OK – Am I a twat?

6-12 yeses: You are a twat. Congratulations! Not really, you’re dreadful.

5-1 yeses: You a borderline twat, standing at the crossroads of twatdom. It’s up to you.

0 yeses: You are not a twat. Well done. Unfortunately you will never make any money and are doomed to live in a perpetual state of frustration.