Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Youll hear something you dont hear every day when somebody says Its Thursday today.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
I dont think you can call a drink nine hours before you go to bed a nightcap. How about slumped at your deskcap?
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Excellent news as your application for Channel 5’s Are You Britain’s Fattest Herpes Sufferer? is accepted. Now comes the difficult part telling your congregation.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Your motivational mantra this week is Impossible is just a word, whereas fuck this for a game of soldiers is a far-more impressive seven words.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Im a survivor, Im a bus driver, Lady Godiva, lend me a fiver. They dont write lyrics like that any more.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
More people have listened to a sodding fish babble nonsense this week than will ever listen to anything you will ever say for the rest of your life.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
A session at the gym leaves you sore and stiff all day. Next time, you should get somebody to help you unload all those boxes of illegal supplements.
Taurus (20 APRIL 20 MAY)
While youd hesitate to accuse the producers of Paranormal Activity 4 of running out of ideas, you do feel a little aggrieved paying £10 to watch paratroopers acting in an unremarkable way.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
On the downside, working in an office full of menopausal women is like having a desk in an orchid house staffed by tea-fuelled hyenas on crystal meth. On the plus side…nope, Ive got nothing.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week you’ll have the difficult task of explaining to your partner why you were fired from the hospital for using the MRI scanner to see whether it was a peanut or an orange cream in your bag of Revels.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Horoscopes are for entertainment purposes only. You pointless cloud of bastard.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’ve been left scarred by your existentialist boarding school education, where they taught that every time you masturbate a kitten kills God.