Windmills preferred to cracking open the Earth's crust

GENTLY turning windmills are better than cracking open the Earth’s crust in pursuit of billions of tonnes of exploding gas, according to new research.

An opinion poll found that most Britons liked the idea of electricity being made by a stiff breeze instead of being crushed to death during an earthquake caused by smashing into the Earth’s crust until we find exploding gas.

And the while the sound of the windmills was judged to be ‘not brilliant’ it was still better than turning on your tap to find it was spewing out deadly gas as a result of causing huge explosions in the Earth’s crust.

There was also dispute about the impact of the windmills on the landscape, though it was agreed that sending massive shockwaves into the Earth’s crust in pursuit of gas would be a good way to topple the windmills and any buildings within a 20-mile radius.

And though the windmills could only make electricity when it was windy, that was not as annoying as having your water supply poisoned because someone was trying to make electricity from the toxic gas that shoots out when you crack open the Earth’s crust.

Energy expert Julian Cook said: “We are at a crossroads. Do we invest in more efficient renewable energy? Or is causing thousands of massive underground explosions that could also poison our water the obvious way forward?”

A spokesman for the gas-powered University of Delingpole said: “Only a BBC kiddie-fiddler could possibly think there were any risks in cracking open the Earth’s crust in pursuit of billions of tonnes of exploding gas.

“Also, the Earth’s crust is a theory.”



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Twats 'more of a priority than badgers'

PLANS to shoot badgers have been postponed in favour of a twat cull.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies persuaded ministers that a reduction in Britain’s fast-growing twat population would have a greater overall benefit than killing badgers.

He said: “TB remains a threat to livestock, but the UK is rife with racists, hipsters, loan sharks and people who drive right up your arse.

“Would a badger cull really be the best use of highly-trained, government-sanctioned marksmen?

“Given we only have a finite number of bullets, is it better to dispatch a hapless mammal – or someone called ‘JT’ with a twirly  moustache who runs a viral marketing company called ‘Digital Honey’?”

Professor Brubaker outlined five key twat groups: media twats, grumpy old twats with ‘no turning’ signs in their drives, people who enjoy things ironically, Britain’s so-called ‘rock royalty’, and people who go on shamanic healing weekends.

Brubaker then explained to ignorant Conservative ministers that a shamanic healing weekend involved ‘adult men naked and crying in a forest’ after which there was a general murmuring of ‘for fuck’s sake’ and swift assent to his proposal.

Are you a Twat? Take the Institute for Studies test.