Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Either you’re trying to grow a moustache or you’ve had an armpit implant on your top lip. Either way, you look like a Frenchman.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Everybody has money troubles recently and you’re no different this week as you end up in a fist fight with a tramp over a fiver on the pavement that turns out to be a discarded Tesco receipt. I bet Bernie Madoff had days like these.
Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You get hints about your future at work during a team building game of Pictionary when your boss draws a boot, a sack and an elbow.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
‘Your humps, your humps, your lovely lady lumps?’ If he says it again, report him to the BMA.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Take a little time now and then to stop and smell the flowers. Even if, given that you live in Stevenage, they are probably going to be flecked with vomit.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your sign is well-known in astrological circles as the house of gobshites. The reason none of them will tell you this is, obviously, because you’re such a gobshite.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you will admit to your wife that you are the Ryan Giggs who plays for Manchester United and Wales that everyone has been going on about.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As you ready yourself to dropkick your iPhone into a threshing machine for failing to pick up a 3G signal, you suddenly realise the advances we’ve made in technology and remember the billions out there who don’t have access to basic modern comforts like electricity. This calms you for about four seconds before you dropkick your iPhone into a threshing machine.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
I’m sure you’re not trying to be racist and it’s just an extraordinary coincidence that that’s exactly what you’re actually being. But sorry, go on, you were saying something about Muslims.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your Kindle can hold 2,500 books, more than a person could read in a lifetime. Or, in your case, 2,500 lifetimes.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
It’s never easy knowing what to say when a mother shows you her newborn child. So what about ‘I see you finally tricked someone into fucking you’?
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Congratulations on your divorce
coming through. Now you can really get out there and find the next one
to suck the life out of you like a vampire bitch on speed.