Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Either you’re trying to grow a moustache or you’ve had an armpit implant on your top lip. Either way, you look like a Frenchman.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Everybody has money troubles recently and you’re no different this week as you end up in a fist fight with a tramp over a fiver on the pavement that turns out to be a discarded Tesco receipt. I bet Bernie Madoff had days like these.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
You get hints about your future at work during a team building game of Pictionary when your boss draws a boot, a sack and an elbow.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
‘Your humps, your humps, your lovely lady lumps?’ If he says it again, report him to the BMA.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Take a little time now and then to stop and smell the flowers. Even if, given that you live in Stevenage, they are probably going to be flecked with vomit.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Your sign is well-known in astrological circles as the house of gobshites. The reason none of them will tell you this is, obviously, because you’re such a gobshite.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you will admit to your wife that you are the Ryan Giggs who plays for Manchester United and Wales that everyone has been going on about.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
As you ready yourself to dropkick your iPhone into a threshing machine for failing to pick up a 3G signal, you suddenly realise the advances we’ve made in technology and remember the billions out there who don’t have access to basic modern comforts like electricity. This calms you for about four seconds before you dropkick your iPhone into a threshing machine.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
I’m sure you’re not trying to be racist and it’s just an extraordinary coincidence that that’s exactly what you’re actually being. But sorry, go on, you were saying something about Muslims.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your Kindle can hold 2,500 books, more than a person could read in a lifetime. Or, in your case, 2,500 lifetimes.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
It’s never easy knowing what to say when a mother shows you her newborn child. So what about ‘I see you finally tricked someone into fucking you’?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Congratulations on your divorce
coming through. Now you can really get out there and find the next one
to suck the life out of you like a vampire bitch on speed.

Consider subscribing - so we can write more funny content. .js-article{ display:none;}

Government sexual health adviser to be hatchet-faced old bag

BRITAIN’S sexual health policy will be decided by 68-year-old spinster Margaret Gerving.

The former headmistress and Neighbourhood Watch organiser has already started work on a new leaflet for sex disease clinics entitled I Know What Filth Like You Gets Up To And I Think It’s Repulsive, from her cluttered yet immaculately tidy home in Guildford.

Gerving said: “First order of business is her from number 36. No ring on her finger, two kids and neither of the dads to be seen. Mind you, with a mother like her’s she’s no better than she ought to be.”

She added: “I don’t mind what people do in their own homes, so long as it’s something I could quite cheerfully sit next to while watching Downton Abbey and eating a slice of Battenburg without wanting to puke it into a bucket.”

More than 300 bitter, rancid old cows will be trained by Gerving in how to glare at teenagers before being sent out to conduct sex education lessons in Britain’s deviant schools.

Boys and girls will be divided into ‘whores’ and ‘sex pests’ and each class will learn from a diagram of the human body with the genitals covered by black tape and accompanied by the caption ‘Don’t go near any of this of this until you’ve been married for at least two years, and even then it’s front bottoms only’.

At the end of the course a three hour written and oral exam will test pupils’ confusion and sense of disgust with their own bodies.

But 16 year-old skank, Lucy McIntyre, said: “What the government needs to realise is that I, and millions of my fellow teenagers in the full blossom of skankhood, couldn’t be kept off the cock by an army of disapproving Ninjas.

“We are going to rut away like a Danish version of the Duracell bunny and frankly there’s very little David Cameron can do, unless he plans to hide behind every KFC in Britain with a fire hose and a taser.”

Next story ›