DENMARK may as well have kicked your lovely old grandmother right in the teeth, it emerged last night.
The small, poorly defended nation has banned Marmite, confirming its status as by far the worst and most perverted of all the Scandinavian countries.
It is the latest move to de-Anglify Danish society following bans on Rice Krispies, Cannon and Ball, angry, drunken racism and complaining about everything all the time.
As your grandmother screamed in agony and clutched at her bleeding mouth, a Foreign Office spokesman said: “If they want a war then they can have one, though we will probably have to start off with some kind of food war.
“That means no more dry, salted fish or sweet pastry dumplings and anyone who is planning a buffet that will be laid out on a long table had better not call it a smorgasbord. We’re suggesting they call it a ‘dadsarmybord’.”
He added: “And do you think we can’t make our own bacon? Okay, maybe we have forgotten but we can look it up on the internet, which is a load of computers all joined together with wires which you probably don’t even have, you Viking morons.”
But experts have warned against a knee-jerk reaction to the Marmite ban stressing the Danes are generally right about everything and that Denmark is an utterly fantastic place to live.
Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “There is literally nothing they cannot teach us. Everything that doesn’t work here, works incredibly well there.
“I was a Marmite fanatic and now I won’t have it in the house. To paraphrase John Maynard Keynes ‘when the facts about Marmite change, I change my mind – what do you do?’.”
Tom Logan, professor of Scandinavian studies at Reading University, said the cultural and social links between Denmark and Britain had enriched both nations, adding: “Some of my favourite Danish pornography is positively awash with Marmite.
“It won’t be the same if they switch to Nutella.”