Denmark kicks your grandmother in the face

DENMARK may as well have kicked your lovely old grandmother right in the teeth, it emerged last night.

The small, poorly defended nation has banned Marmite, confirming its status as by far the worst and most perverted of all the Scandinavian countries.

It is the latest move to de-Anglify Danish society following bans on Rice Krispies, Cannon and Ball, angry, drunken racism and complaining about everything all the time.

As your grandmother screamed in agony and clutched at her bleeding mouth, a Foreign Office spokesman said: “If they want a war then they can have one, though we will probably have to start off with some kind of food war.

“That means no more dry, salted fish or sweet pastry dumplings and anyone who is planning a buffet that will be laid out on a long table had better not call it a smorgasbord. We’re suggesting they call it a ‘dadsarmybord’.”

He added: “And do you think we can’t make our own bacon?  Okay, maybe we have forgotten but we can look it up on the internet, which is a load of computers all joined together with wires which you probably don’t even have, you Viking morons.”

But experts have warned against a knee-jerk reaction to the Marmite ban stressing the Danes are generally right about everything and that Denmark is an utterly fantastic place to live.

Professor Henry Brubaker, from the Institute for Studies, said: “There is literally nothing they cannot teach us. Everything that doesn’t work here, works incredibly well there.

“I was a Marmite fanatic and now I won’t have it in the house. To paraphrase John Maynard Keynes ‘when the facts about Marmite change, I change my mind – what do you do?’.”

Tom Logan, professor of Scandinavian studies at Reading University, said the cultural and social links between Denmark and Britain had enriched both nations, adding: “Some of my favourite Danish pornography is positively awash with Marmite.

“It won’t be the same if they switch to Nutella.”

 

 

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Obama thanks Queen for imperialist, ceremonial bullshit

PRESIDENT Obama last night thanked the Queen for laying on the sort of ceremonial bullshit that harks back to the empire that crushed his beautiful African ancestors.

At an official state banquet at Buckingham Palace, Mr Obama stressed the link between America and Britain was
strong, much to his annoyance because he hates the fucking place and everything it stands for.

He said: “You can trot around on your little horses, blow your little trumpets and pretend it’s 1850 all you want.

“But it’s not 1850 and your little adventure in Africa is long gone you lazy, privileged, fat-assed motherfuckers.

“I want to thank all you viscounts and earls and dukes and god knows what for hauling your white asses out of your stately homes built with slave money and the stolen resources of millions of proud Africans, Indians and native Americans.

“How about I come to your house tomorrow and help myself to the contents of your fridge and then make a coffee-coloured baby with your pretty little Duchess? You like that, you thieving piece of shit?”

Removing the Queen’s tiara and holding it over his head he added: “In America we give crowns to beauty queens. Okay, so they are just dim-witted pawns in some decadent, capitalist sideshow, but at least they fucking earned it.

“Not like this old white woman, who tries to justify her ill-gotten luxury with words like ‘heritage’ and ‘continuity’ as if we are all just dumb-assed field slaves who don’t know nothin’ anyhow.”

The President continued: “If you think you can wave this imperialist horseshit under my nose and I won’t say anything, you must be out of your tiny, inbred minds.

“I am now going to France where they know what to do with people like you.

“Stick that in your fucking trumpet.”