Power Thinking, with Dr Morris O'Connor

Supernatural business solutions

Most people fear the occult and rightly so, animal sacrifices can ruin a lunch party if all the guests aren’t forewarned a chicken is going to get it in between courses.

As a rule of thumb, if you’re going to hack a creature’s head off at a social gathering, mentioning it up front when you greet your guests is the best way to manage expectations. It’s also an opportunity to offer alternatives to the animal slaughter like board games, holiday photos or perhaps Flashdance on Blu-Ray.

Despite misconceived preconceptions, dabbling in the occult is a great way to generate success in your business and personal life. I had an unsightly wart on my ‘go to’ pointing finger that I could not budge with creams or cryotherapy. It made me self-conscious in presentations and I got to the stage where I had substituted the point for nodding. I’d perfected the nod to such an extent that I could do an entire meeting with my hands in my pockets, but even the best nodders will struggle to pick out specific figures in a financial presentation without getting a nose involved. The obvious solution was Black Magic.  

I paid a wart charmer, who I found in the Yellow Pages, a nominal fee and buried a piece of meat in the garden as advised. Within three days my wart had disappeared. I had manifested extreme success by dabbling in the dark arts and I wondered what else was possible. I made the mistake of getting the wart charmer to file my 2003 tax return and learned a valuable life lesson – the Inland Revenue won’t accept any documentation that comes with bacon stapled to it.

The wart charmer had opened my eyes to the potential of the occult and before long I was casting spells and performing voodoo on some of the biggest retail corporations in the country. I partnered with a white witch and together we helped Stead and Simpson take their stylish shoe business online. I also used magic elixirs to win over new customers at networking events and found that most people, how ever reserved, enjoy the novelty of drinking from a jewel-encrusted goblet.

If you’re at a point where you can’t get your arrogant boss to take to you seriously or you can’t seem to become more desirable to that attractive colleague of yours, what are you going to do? Go to HR and have an awkward chat with an office drone or put a cursed, mummified rat in someone’s desk drawer?

Dr Morris O’Connor is the best selling author of 101 Easy to Perform Business Curses.



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God sues Jordan for playing him

LORD God Almighty has filed a £6m lawsuit against inflatable glamour model Jordan for bringing his name into disrepute.

The omniscient being is said to be furious that many are crediting the eerily-joyless set of disparate spheres as His handiwork.

He has also asked the court for an immediate injunction forcing Jordan to wear a t shirt stating ‘I did this’ with at least eight large arrows pointing at her chest.

Jahweh’s lawyer, Stephen Malley, said: “We thought we’d got over this kind of thing with the whole Lembit Opik unpleasantness, evidently people still think the one true Lord is some kind of all-knowing, cackhanded buffoon that can’t do mouths properly.

“He’s the first to admit that, while divine, he’s not perfect – it took him four goes at doing a Baldwin brother that could act and he eventually gave up on making Osmonds because he could never quite get the hang of it.

“But he can’t maintain his position as the all-powerful infinite spirit if people are going around thinking his idea of sexiness is a woman that’s 65% boob and with the charisma of a bailiff’s warrant.”

Jordan has responded to the Almighty’s legal suit in a three-page spread in OK! magazine in which she uses the phrase ‘my struggle’ a lot and claims she does not care what anyone, including God, thinks about her because at the end of the day, right, it is all about respect, yes?

God added: “While everybody has been high-fiving me over Pippa Middleton’s badonkadonk recently, my proudest moment is actually Penelope Keith.”