Wire star's new crime series to use realistic West Country dialect

A NEW HBO-style cop drama starring Dominic West will introduce phrases like ”ow bist’ and ‘gert lush’ to Guardian readers.

He Was a Bloody Good Builder, Mind is a tough, authentic new ITV thriller series starring The Wire actor as a handsome version of Gloucestershire serial killer Fred West and Idris Elba as tough, cider-addicted local policeman PC Bindle.

Screenwriter, Julian Cook, said: “Gloucester is a bit like Baltimore but with more badgers and strong cheese. Similarly, it has its own unique street patois.

“To capture the language, I spent six months undercover as an out-of-work plasterer, hanging out in Forest of Dean pubs with ruddy borderline alcoholics whose thick necks and domed heads make them look like angry, sun-burnt bottoms.

“I discovered that, also like Baltimore, Gloucestershire has a gang culture, although its criminal activity is more concerned with horse trailers full of stolen Flymos and dropping brieze blocks off of motorway bridges than high grade crack cocaine.”

He Was a Bloody Good Builder, Mind includes scenes where a cop describes a corpse as ‘kippin the gert kip’, before announcing ‘I’m gwain ter av me a lie-down’.

Guardian enthusiast, Emma Bradford, said: “I find the evolution of language fascinating. My friends and I have been arguing about this for months but perhaps now really is the time to re-contextualise Eddie Grundy from The Archers.

“Beneath the stereotype yokel burr and scams involving out-of-date parsnips there’s probably a lot of interesting pain and dry gallows-humour quotes about the futility of attempting a moral existence in an amoral world.

“As Eddie himself might have said, ‘gwain bint ker kippin gert’.”

 

 

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MPs debate whether that Imogen is just a gold digger or what

THE House of Commons has staged a landmark debate on whether that Imogen Thomas knew what she was doing all along, so she did.

Moving an early day motion, senior Conservative backbencher and leading Eurosceptic, Bill Cash, said that she was probably in it just to get money from one of them papers.

He said: “It is vital that this House recognises that Imogen Thomas is motivated by financial considerations and, by the way, is a right bowser without all that slap on.

“I seen a picture of her in the Mail coming out of a gym in Kensington and I was like ‘ha ha, she’s a total minger’.”

But Liberal Democrat, John Hemming, added: “Mr Speaker, my cousin’s girlfriend delivers Danish pastries to the Big Brother production office and I’m telling you now, the honourable gentleman does not know the half of it. He does not know the half of it.

“Apparently, right, apparently, she was totally in love with him and wanted to get married and stuff and become like the Queen of Wales or something.

“But he was like, ‘oh no, I made a mistake, I’ve got a family and stuff’ but then they kept doing it for like another five months or something. I think he’s really, really horrible. Anyway, it’s a shame though, isn’t it?”

Labour leader Ed Miliband said: “Imogen Thomas should not have gone after a married man like that, but I still think she’s a really nice girl deep down.

“And that Ryan Giggs is a really good footballer. Remember that goal he scored once where he ran with the ball for ages and then took his top off? I was like ‘wow’. And I’ve also heard that he’s got a really big willy.

“Anyway, what I’m saying is that what he did was horrible, but I still think he seems like a really nice person.”

The House eventually passed an amended motion by 391 votes to 260 that ‘Imogen Thomas probably did not plan to make money out of all this at the start but is not about to pass up the opportunity now, is she, the gold digging little bitch’.