A PROFESSIONAL footballer did it with some dolly bird, it has been confirmed.
The married footballer and the dolly bird had sex a few times, probably in a hotel you would regard as ‘quite nice’, and then they stopped.
It is reckoned they both thought the sex was ‘amazing’ though some people said they would both have had fairly low expectations, what with him being a footballer and her being a dolly bird.
It is also reckoned that on a few occasions they did it ‘all night’ but people said that is because he is a professional athlete and so is less likely to fall asleep half way through, like you do.
He plays for one of the really big teams that wins things and he gets paid a very large amount of money.
She is regarded as quite attractive and was on one of those reality television shows.
Not the one where you make everyone’s dinner. The other one, where you go into a large, open plan house with some other people who are as famous as you are. You know the one.
After the sex had stopped she then talked about the footballer and the sex and the nice hotel to one of those newspapers you would never, ever buy from a shop but read online as if it held the secrets of the fucking universe.
And that is basically it.
Tom Logan, a man who has been paying attention, but only vaguely, said: “Don’t bother telling me their names.
“I’ll have forgotten all about it by tomorrow.”