Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
After being star-struck when you walk past a minor Eastenders actor during a visit to London, it briefly occurs to you that, given every action has an equal and opposite reaction, the actor must have briefly felt pleb-struck.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week, why not go to Wimbledon and shout ‘Come on Tim!’ as loud as possible, just before a serve, regardless of who’s playing?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Your position as English professor is becoming untenable as the bosses notice the increasing amounts of John Grisham and James Herbert in the syllabus. Just wait until they see the module on Chris Ryan you’ve put together.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
There’s nothing like a home-made dessert so this week you treat yourself to a lovely sherry trifle. The only ingredients missing were sponge, jelly, custard, fruit and cream. Still, it took the the edge off the pain, right?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
As you lie in bed waiting to die, surrounded by your loved ones, you’re struck by quite how badly Mattress Warehouse react to you having a kip in their window display.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Given that Andy Murray can serve a tennis ball at 120mph, is there any chance you could serve me my bastard drinks some time before last orders?

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel. I focus on the pain, the only thing that’s real. But anyway, enough about me, thanks for calling The Samaritans, how can I help?

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week your partner sits you down to address the fact that her emotional needs aren’t being met and that you refuse to acknowledge the work the relationship needs. And just as Top Gear is starting, the fucking cow.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Your patient is probably anxious to know where they are on the kidney donor waiting list, so when they ask whether you’ve got a match do try not to say ‘your face, my arse’.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Why bother exploring new avenues for your characters or utilising unexpected plot developments to keep the audience guessing? Go through the old script, find & replace ‘Vegas’ with ‘Thailand’, throw in a monkey and Bob’s your depressingly rich and predictable uncle.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You’re currently halfway through your ‘100 things to do before you die’ list. Do get a move on, I can’t wait in your garden shed nursing a shotgun forever, you know.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
This horoscope has been sponsored by cheap, flavourless, own-brand supermarket orange squash. This week you will want to drink gallons of cheap, flavourless, own-brand supermarket orange squash.

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Public school ponce acts pretty ballsy

DAVID Cameron showed an unexpected level of front by calling out 200,000 heavily-armed killers yesterday.

In a speech many predict may be his last, the prime minister suggested that the armed forces stopped whining like a bitch and get back to work.

He then said he was going to do his best soldier impression before running up and down the podium flapping his arms and making clucking noises.

Cameron said: “I suggest the armed forces do the ‘being shot at by an entire country’s-worth of lunatics’ and I’ll do the ‘having a nice lunch at Claridges and making up policies that nobody wants’.”

The speech came after generals criticised the government’s latest plan to have a military presence in every country in the world just in case anything kicks off.

This has resulted in a rented Nissan Micra filled with an officer from the army, navy and air force sitting in airport car parks across the globe with the engine running at all times.

Air Marshall Sir Denys Finch-Hatton said: “If Mr Cameron thinks we’re being squeamish he can have a bit of a chat with my driver, Tom, who has served in Northern Ireland, Afghanistan, Iraq and can disembowel a man with his toothbrush in under four seconds.

“At that point it would then be helpful if the prime minister was able to clarify exactly who is the bitch now, bitch?”