Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week two Wall Street billionaires swap your life with that of a homeless man for a dollar bet. After three days the homeless man is begging for his old life back.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
And I-IIIIIII want to thank you, for giving me the best day-aaayyy of my life. Oh, but now I’ve just remembered Dido exists. That spoils it slightly.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
All the books on creative writing say you should write about what you know, but Harper Collins seemed frankly dismissive when you presented your 300-page manuscript on the many things you’d like to do with Scarlett Johansson.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Internet shopping is a lot more convenient but unfortunately it also makes it easier for Amazon to alert the police when you’ve bought a rubber gloves, a giant tub of Vaseline and the box set Life on Earth.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Celebrities are usually a lot shorter in real life so you’re surprised this week when you see Kylie Minogue at Gatwick airport and she’s actually seven-foot tall with hands on her like a rack of ribs.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
A large asteroid flies past Venus, the goddess of love, this week causing you to get a listless semi on the bus.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
You often find new love when you’re least expecting it, so keep an eye out for the saucy looks the registrar is giving you when you’re signing the marriage certificate

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
As you approach the age of 40 it’s natural to take stock of your life so far, examine how many of your teenage hopes and dreams have been fulfilled and wonder how long you have left to achieve your ambitions. In your case it will also be entirely natural for it to trigger a three year sobbing fit.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The judges claim to love dog acts on Britain’s Got Talent but they seemed unimpressed when you showed them how you’d trained your Rottweiller to curl a shit out whenever you play Colonel Bogey on the harmonica.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
The good thing about summer is that you can dice up a strawberry into your daily pint of meths and everyone will just assume you’re drinking Pimms.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Why not go on Tripadvisor and give everywhere one star on the basis it’s full of dirty foreigners who can speak English but pretend not to? Y’know, like absolutely everybody else?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
That rash could be from the new brand of washing powder you used for the bedsheets. Or it could be from that toothless uber-skank you picked up from behind the bus depot. How red is it?


Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Hari defends himself during pretend Parkinson interview

CHOIR-preacher Johann Hari has dismissed claims of plagiarism during a fantasy interview where he pretended he was talking to Michael Parkinson.

The columnist sat down in his living room last night, facing an empty chair and answered questions Parkinson had asked Muhammad Ali, David Niven and Billy Connolly in a series of memorable interviews in the mid to late 1970s.

The criticism came after Hari used a revolutionary new interview
technique that involved pretending people had said things to him and
then imagining what his reaction would have been if they had have said
those things to him, which they did not and in fact said to somebody
else years ago.

Stopping occasionally for imagined laughter and applause, Hari used Parkinson’s question to Niven about what it was like being friends with Errol Flynn to insist that the famed Hollywood hellraiser would have done exactly the same thing if he had been lucky enough to work for a newspaper that no-one reads.

Nodding at the chair, he added: “You know Michael, I have made a lot of enemies because I love the NHS and feminism and I suspect that’s what this is really all about. Much as I said in my latest book That’s What This Is Really All About.

Independent editor Simon Kelner later joined Hari on the fantasy Parkinson set were he told the invisible Yorkshireman: “Johann has a scrupulous commitment to the kind of thoughts you’d generally hear in the presence of hummus and would never be deliberately dishonest as long as one uses a highly specialised definition of the word that is only shown to Britain’s most important columnists.”

Meanwhile full-time Twitter cretin  Nikki Hollis defended Hari, adding: “Other journalists do much worse things than telling outright lies, such as telling outright lies to support views I don’t like.

“And he has nice hair and once retweeted a comment of mine so I won’t hear a word said against him, regardless of how accurate those words may be.”

Kelner later imagined he was being asked Parkinson’s question to
Muhammad Ali about George Foreman but answered it as if he was talking
about Toby Young, the Telegraph’s award-winning anti-hair polemicist.