Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Time to have your bowels examined after you take a dump at a music festival and the Portaloo throws up.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
While the Peugeot 3008 has better adaptable seat options for a family
car, the Mondeo estate has much more boot space and drives like a dream.
But given you’re only going to nick the stereo for crack money, I
suppose it’s much of a muchness.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Rather than spending a fortune to see Insidious at the cinema, if you want a load of boring footage of somebody looking terrified shot on a wobbly camera there’s always your wedding video.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
With the hot summer evenings coming on, try to change your bedsheets more often than usual, which is about as often as third-world military dictatorships have elections.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Still no word from Channel 4 about your sitcom script entitled Three People Who Squabble Whilst Doing Their Job Badly. Hopefully it’ll do better than your last script A Series Of Sketches Filmed Surreally So It Looks Cutting Edge.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
After consulting your friends, it turns out that taking your other half to Carlisle to look at a second-hand caravan you found in Auto Trader doesn’t really constitute a ‘city break’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
This week you invent a cocktail called a ‘B&Q Spritzer’ using paraffin oil and a Soda Stream.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Women claim to love spontaneity, sensitivity and a sense of humour, so why did your ex dump you after you flicked a bogey into her wine glass when she was in the toilet, then burst into tears when she complained about it? Truly, they a mystery.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
What the world needs now is love, sweet love. But is it okay if I go first? My balls are like Dizzie Gillespie’s cheeks.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Breast milk does contain a lot more healthy nutrients than cow’s milk but if it’s all the same I’ll take my coffee black, thanks.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Your life has been going rapidly downhill recently but, if you’re prepared to follow some advice from somebody that’s never met you before, then it’s that kind of poor decision-making that’s probably not helping.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Dressed as a clown, the final words of Robert Duvall’s Apocalypse Now monologue dying on your lips and a semicircle of middle-aged housewives looking at you with a mixture of contempt and fear, it may be time to acknowledge that the ideas you come up with three days into an amphetamine binge aren’t always your top-drawer stuff.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Sandwich to stay disappointing for two weeks

ADVANCES in food technology mean that pre-packed sandwiches can now retain their disappointingness for up to 14 days.

Until recently, ready-made sandwiches would degenerate from barely edible to inedible within a week.

Food scientist, Julian Cook, said: “This is a major breakthrough in food mediocrity.

“Whether cheap or expensive, sandwiches from refrigerators all taste like textured air. We fully accept that they’ll never be good in any way. But we can make them last longer.

“The process works in an almost supernatural way. Basically, we’ve identified an invisible aura which is the ‘life force’ or ‘soul’ of the sandwich and managed to suck it out.

“The result is a completely spiritually dead foodstuff, a ‘ghost sandwich’ if you like, that keeps for ages because it’s already a void.

“Look at these things, two flaccid white triangles with a thin layer of egg-influenced paste and the barest hint of a hand print. Exactly what people who are too lazy to put their own stuff between bread deserve.”

Long distance driver, Stephen Malley, said: “What gets me about pre-packed sandwiches is that however disappointing you expect them to be, they still manage to disappoint.

“There’s something almost beautiful about that.”