Is the Guardian Harry Potter?

THE Harry Potter saga has come to life with the boy wizard taking the form of the Guardian, experts have confirmed.

The Institute for Studies said the bespectacled left-wing newspaper was locked in a battle to the death with an almost completely bald villain and his army of psychotic demons who try to invade their victims’ souls.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “Like Harry Potter, the Guardian is fulfilling its destiny. It didn’t want to do this – well it did, actually – but it can no longer escape its fate.

“It is taking on the might of the Dark Lord, with the help of its two loyal friends, The Observer and Auto Trader.

“Though, it has to be said that so far Auto Trader, like Hermione, hasn’t really been pulling its weight.”

He added: “In the universe of Harry Potter, the hero learned the ways of an ancient, magical craft and then used his shiny stick to overcome a weird-faced, all-powerful man in a dark cloak while at the same time trying to resist being possessed by evil and learning interesting things about his parents.

“Which, the more I  think about it, sounds exactly the same as Star Wars. Hang on a minute…

“Anyway – we will come back to Star Wars – my calculations indicate that the Harry Potter saga is exactly the same, in every single way, as the Guardian‘s battle with Rupert Murdoch. Except the writing is much better – on both sides.

“That’s correct, I’ve calculated that News of the World journalists are better at writing than JK Rowling.”

Professor Brubaker warned: “This epic saga has crossed the boundaries of space-time into our reality and we are now witnessing a conflict that will end with either this world being destroyed, or some sort of public inquiry that will go on for absolutely fucking ages.”


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Murdoch reeling as glamour models pull kiss-and-tell sexcapades

BRITAIN’S topless models have threatened to withdraw their thrilling tales of rump-pumpy from the News Of The World.

A consortium of leggy lovelies, busty beauties and the British Union of Stunnas have told the ‘newspaper’ they cannot continue to give them their five-times-a-night trade.

Nikki Hollis, a 24-year-old footballer’s convenience from Carlisle, said: “As a woman whose sole job is processing the genitalia of married men, I find their whole code of investigative conduct to be disgraceful and a complete anathema to my moral standards.

“And I’ve been in a Travelodge with half a Championship relegation side plugging away at me.”

Revelations over naughty romps are thought to be the News of the World’s main source of income as millions of Britain’s semi-conscious buy it to raise a doughy semi reading about bodily fluid exchange on rented bedsheets while eating their cornflakes.

Martin Bishop, professor of paying people and then turning on a tape recorder at Roehampton University, said: “The three sides of their triangle of ‘journalism’ – if I can pump that particular word with eight thousand more gallons of slurry for just a moment – are interviews with footballers, sexposés and hating paedophiles.

“By quite literally downing tools, glamour models have put the whole paper at risk of collapsing into a heap of insulting innuendo, hatred and Dan Wootton.

“It’s a chain of moral revulsion that will eventually see the entire country shun the News of the World until all you’re left with is a dense core of raw scum comprising of Rebekah Brooks having dinner with David Cameron while a private investigator films it through her hedge.”

The lucrative sexcapade industry is considering where to market its next hump and a number of national newspapers are said to be watching out for who knows how to pleasure a woman or is a two-minute flop with interest.

Hollis said: “Talks with the Independent On Sunday are looking very promising, although obviously they’ll have to present my jizz-wrangling as a Johann Hari opinion-piece on the politics of celebrity testicles.”