Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you’re quitting smoking, it’s a lot easier if your other half knows how it feels to give something up, which is why you’ve secretly been slipping crack into her Weetabix each morning. Until today.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Just another normal week, assuming you’re not forced to resign from your high-powered job, arrested or found dead under incredibly suspicious circumstances.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Good news after your Hollyoaks audition as the producers confirm you’ve been cast as a bookshelf.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
I’m singing in the rain, just singing in the rain. Well, not ‘just’ singing, obviously. Also shopping, socialising, going to work and wondering when the soggy fuck July started resembling Blade Runner.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’ve spent your whole life being cautious, weighing up all the options, waiting to see how things go. Why not do something impulsive for once? I’m sure there’s a perfectly good reason he wants you to get into the back of his Transit van.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If you’ve been disappointed by the performance of your kitchen roll recently, don’t forget that YOU WILL NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE AT BEING ALIVE.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
It’s understandable to be scared of commitment but three doctors have all declared that a few weeks in the psychiatric unit will do you a power of good.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Women’s sexual attraction can be triggered by many things – a muscular physique, a charming personality or, in your case, the last bus home having gone and needing a bed for the night. Take it where you can find it.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Make your new neighbour feel at home by taking around a casserole for their first night in their new house. You can always bill them by email.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Not a good start to the pub quiz when you urinate on the table as a part of dirty protest at how empty your life has become.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Insomnia can cause irritability, heart problems, recurring infections and depression, so that’s something to mull over tonight in bed.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week, Saturn is going to put his foot so far up your arse, your breath’s going to taste of gas giant.

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Everyone agrees to blame Osborne

BRITAIN last night backed Rebekah Brooks and agreed that this is all the fault of George Osborne.

Brooks told MPs that hiring Andy Coulson as Tory press chief was Osborne’s idea, prompting everyone in the country to bang their coffee tables and shout ‘of course‘.

Politicians, News International lawyers and senior police officers will meet later today to agree a process for implicating the chancellor in every aspect of the scandal, including the composition of a coffee-stained letter sent to Glen Mulcaire in 1999 urging him to be ‘as ghastly as possible’.

John Whittingdale, chairman of the Commons culture, media and sport committee said: “I presume we’re all okay with this? Fantastic.”

Meanwhile, as Ed Miliband began pointing at random objects and saying ‘lack of judgement’, experts made a last-ditch plea for Britain to somehow track down its elusive sense of perspective.

Julian Cook, professor of for Christ’s sake get a grip at Roehampton University, said: “Selling gold at the bottom of the market, stripping the Bank of England of its regulatory powers and screwing the fuck out of private pensions, thereby destroying the purchasing power of the very people who could lift us out of the shit. Now there’s a lack of judgement. And Ed Miliband agreed with all of those things.

“But Gordon Brown didn’t resign. Instead he had to be dragged out of Downing Street by his greasy Scottish cankles.

“Cameron is a craven PR ponce with the judgement of Wile E Coyote, but employing some pasty-faced weasel so that Rupert Murdoch would be his friend is not going to cost you your fucking house.”

It has also emerged that the phone hacking scandal is now Britain’s fourth biggest hobby.

Poring over every last detail and then inventing your own fascinating conspiracy theory is now almost as popular as knitting, angling and participating in a reverse Dutch steamboat.

Helen Archer, a nurse from Doncaster, said: “I haven’t had a good steamboat since April, but this is just as much fun and doesn’t involve a lot of dry cleaning.”

Bill McKay, an IT consultant from Grantham, said: “I’ve made a wallchart which shows who knew what, when they knew it and how many times they have ridden bareback with David Cameron. Would you like to see it?

“Really? Why not?”

Phone scandal thingy round-up: Day 14,009

Charlie Brooks left his old bag in a car park. He also misplaced a satchel with his laptop in it (comedy drum noise).

In a devastating report the Commons home affairs select committee concluded that News International is a large newspaper company with a big office in London.

Tory MP Louise Mensch was urged to step up her attack on Piers Morgan just to see if he has a massive stroke.

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