Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
If you’re quitting smoking, it’s a lot easier if your other half knows how it feels to give something up, which is why you’ve secretly been slipping crack into her Weetabix each morning. Until today.
Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Just another normal week, assuming you’re not forced to resign from your high-powered job, arrested or found dead under incredibly suspicious circumstances.
Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Good news after your Hollyoaks audition as the producers confirm you’ve been cast as a bookshelf.
Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
I’m singing in the rain, just singing in the rain. Well, not ‘just’ singing, obviously. Also shopping, socialising, going to work and wondering when the soggy fuck July started resembling Blade Runner.
Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’ve spent your whole life being cautious, weighing up all the options, waiting to see how things go. Why not do something impulsive for once? I’m sure there’s a perfectly good reason he wants you to get into the back of his Transit van.
Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
If you’ve been disappointed by the performance of your kitchen roll recently, don’t forget that YOU WILL NEVER GET ANOTHER CHANCE AT BEING ALIVE.
Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
It’s understandable to be scared of commitment but three doctors have all declared that a few weeks in the psychiatric unit will do you a power of good.
Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Women’s sexual attraction can be triggered by many things – a muscular physique, a charming personality or, in your case, the last bus home having gone and needing a bed for the night. Take it where you can find it.
Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Make your new neighbour feel at home by taking around a casserole for their first night in their new house. You can always bill them by email.
Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Not a good start to the pub quiz when you urinate on the table as a part of dirty protest at how empty your life has become.
Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Insomnia can cause irritability, heart problems, recurring infections and depression, so that’s something to mull over tonight in bed.
Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
This week, Saturn is going to put his foot so far up your arse, your breath’s going to taste of gas giant.