Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
One love, one heart, let’s get together and feel alright. Ah, the clarion call of masturbators everywhere.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your decision to replace the Botox with baking powder at the plastic surgery raises a few eyebrows this week.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If you’re worried the lights keep cutting out intermittently, that’s what’s known as ‘blinking’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
All that is needed for evil to be defeated is for good men to quote some fucking trite truism on their Facebook status.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’re so organised that you’ve already bought all your family their Christmas presents and there was even a spare lager in the flat-pack for yourself.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The footage of Gary Glitter getting arrested showed that he wasn’t wearing a remembrance poppy. The man really is a disgrace, isn’t he?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You stretch the boundaries of the word ‘crisis’ by applying for an emergency loan to get a state-of-the-art dildo.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You’ve always managed to avoid tension in the office by being absolutely unemployable.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
House hunting is harder than you’d expected as none of the property websites recognises ‘gimp dungeon’ as a search term.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
And now I wanna be your dog. And now I wanna be your dog. And now I wanna be your dog. Because a can of Winalot has got to be better than your cooking.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Despite the recent slight recovery in the economy, longer term forecasts point to a flatline in growth and a struggle to increase consumer confidence, leading to a buyer’s market for the foreseeable future. So why not try and haggle a fiver off the next blowjob?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Imagine I just wrote something gnomic under a photo of a dolphin, that kind of shit normally impresses you and I can’t be bothered.