Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
One love, one heart, let’s get together and feel alright. Ah, the clarion call of masturbators everywhere.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Your decision to replace the Botox with baking powder at the plastic surgery raises a few eyebrows this week.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
If you’re worried the lights keep cutting out intermittently, that’s what’s known as ‘blinking’.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
All that is needed for evil to be defeated is for good men to quote some fucking trite truism on their Facebook status.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’re so organised that you’ve already bought all your family their Christmas presents and there was even a spare lager in the flat-pack for yourself.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The footage of Gary Glitter getting arrested showed that he wasn’t wearing a remembrance poppy. The man really is a disgrace, isn’t he?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
You stretch the boundaries of the word ‘crisis’ by applying for an emergency loan to get a state-of-the-art dildo.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
You’ve always managed to avoid tension in the office by being absolutely unemployable.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
House hunting is harder than you’d expected as none of the property websites recognises ‘gimp dungeon’ as a search term.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
And now I wanna be your dog. And now I wanna be your dog. And now I wanna be your dog. Because a can of Winalot has got to be better than your cooking.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Despite the recent slight recovery in the economy, longer term forecasts point to a flatline in growth and a struggle to increase consumer confidence, leading to a buyer’s market for the foreseeable future. So why not try and haggle a fiver off the next blowjob?

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Imagine I just wrote something gnomic under a photo of a dolphin, that kind of shit normally impresses you and I can’t be bothered.



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Trick-or-treaters seem to think this is America


THOUSANDS of costumed children and their parents are under the mistaken impression that they live in America, it has emerged.

The wrong-headed youngsters will dress up as witches and suchlike to indulge in the American ritual of visiting houses for sweets, something that makes absolutely no sense in the UK.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “There is a growing mass delusion involving something called ‘trick or treat’.

“It’s one of those things like monster trucks, Twinkies and Hulk Hogan that they love in the so-called ‘states’ but is in fact completely demented.

“Householders are quite entitled to tell these children to piss off on the basis that they are culturally irrelevant.”

Home owner Bill McKay said: “I had these two little ones turn up dressed as orcs. I held my ground and said, ‘This isn’t America – so fuck off’.

“They went off crying, but sometimes life’s lessons come hard. I am proud of myself.”