Going to work far more terrifying than ghosts and monsters

WORKING in an office will be the most fear-inducing thing about this Halloween, according to millions of Britons.

Although ghouls, ghosts and goblins may be prowling the shadows tonight, workers agreed that continual office-based tedium is scarier than anything Stephen King might imagine.

Sales co-ordinator Tom Logan said: “If a vampire lunged from a rooftop and sank its six-inch fangs into my neck, my first thought would be ‘great, no more meetings about sales targets’.

“Creatures of darkness are all very well but what really freaks me out is the thought of staring at spreadsheets for the rest of my healthy adult life.”

Database administrator Nikki Hollis said: “The monsters in my office are called bitches and ‘sex pests’. They look like Nosferatu but are much more real.

“I’ve watched Ring a dozen times but when I look out of the window and think ‘I’m here til 6pm every day, pretty much until I peg it’ I start screaming like a banshee.

Psychologist Julian Cook said: “Like Halloween, work is about crossing over into a world of darkness and evil – except less fun.

“The best way of coping is to embrace the madness and just sit at your computer giggling and gnawing on a dead rat.”



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Britons glad they kept 'Die Peedo Die' banners

THOUSANDS of Britons are relieved that they didn’t discard their home-made banners after the last bout of paedophile hysteria.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “In the early 2000s we got through a whole pack of Stabilo Boss pens writing ‘Burn All Pedlos’ in three foot-high letters on a tablecloth.

“It seemed extravagant at the time, and pretty much meant I could never again use that tablecloth for family meals.

“My sister said to chuck it out, you’ll never be in another angry mob, but I disagreed.

“She laughed at the time but she’s not laughing now.”