Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
At the third stroke, your life will enter a far deeper phase of utter meaninglessness. Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeep.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Factor in 10 minutes before your job interview for a visit to the toilet. Have a wee, make sure your hair’s okay, straighten your tie and, most important of all, hit that crack pipe.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
Why not convince everybody you’re a geek by buying an expensively-assembled outfit of designer glasses frames, boutique computer game t-shirts and ill-fitting trousers?

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
These long, hot summer nights have meant you’ve taken to sleeping naked. Which has given the staff of Dixons something to ponder as they step over you on their way into work.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You can call it an ‘Improv-War Wordsmith Poetry Slamdown’ as much as you like. It doesn’t stop it from being an hour of social retards demonstrating why they’re still virgins in ways that don’t even rhyme.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Jim Carrey. Penguins. Penguins. Jim Carrey. Penguins. Penguins. Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey. Jim Carrey. Penguins. Jim Carrey. Penguins. Jim Carrey. Penguins. Penguins. Jim Carrey. Penguins. Jim Carrey.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Show your support for work colleagues fasting during Ramadan by giving up chips for Super Ted.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
Latest update on the prickish phrases that if you use one more time, somebody’s going to punch you in the throat – ending any word with ‘izzle’.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
It’s hard to understand how the touch of your hand can start me crying. Didn’t you write down the safety word?

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
If you’re flattered by people saying how wonderful the dress looks in your wedding photos, just ask yourself whether, if you cooked a meal, you’d be flattered by everyone commenting on the wonderful plate it was served on.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
A frosty time at work this week after asking a perfectly reasonable question – why do all your colleagues constantly take diet advice from the hugest woman in the building?

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
It was ten years ago but you can still remember the tang of firework smoke in the crisp November air, the sparks of blue, green and red lights in her eyes and brushing the strand of hair from her face that turned into that first kiss you’ll never forget. Yep, in wank-bank terms it’s a keeper.