Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you regret telling the landlord you would do ‘anything’ to have your bar tab cleared while licking your lips seductively, as you soon find yourself sucking the petrol out of a Mondeo in the pub carpark.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
After reaching into the scapegoat Scrabble bag to see who was to blame for the riots, ‘gangs’ is eventually selected ahead of ‘capitalism’, ‘Jews’ and ‘The Boogie’.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
With your tablet computer you can hold an entire library in your hand, talk to a loved one from across the globe and synchronise your entire workload from a single page. Or just fire cartoon birds at a bunch of pigs while grinning like a tit. Not here to judge.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks? No, me neither, most of them are actually having the time of their bastarding lives.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Alright now, baby it’s alright now. Alright now, baby it’s alright now. Yeah, it’s alright now, baby it’s… no, hang on… nope, it’s just gone tits up.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
A delicately-worded response to your letter to the BBC this week as the producers point out that ‘Eggheads’ refers to intelligence rather than birth defects.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’ve always been the kind to love ’em and leave ’em, otherwise the bouncer at the brothel does tend to get rather peevish.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you sit in a large, darkened room full of women sobbing their way through One Day while seriously wondering if that’s actually how long this fucking this is going to last.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Having your last comment retweeted six times does not make you ‘a highly-respected author’.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
As the endlessly varied tropical fauna slowly comes to life in the first morning of your dream trip to the Amazonian rainforest and the sounds of frogs, apes and birds reach a crescendo of variegated brilliance, you can’t help but think you’d get a decent night’s kip if the whole place was three million acres of meat farm.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Don’t let a silly little argument ruin your evening when, with the careful application of seething resentment, it can absolutely ruin an entire decade of marriage.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You should never say never – for instance in 2005 Ricky Gervais was talking about his film career and said, ‘I want to do something that I’m absolutely proud of, that leaves a legacy… I want to do something that makes a connection. I want something that resonates with people’ and this week he’s in Spy Kids 4 playing a talking robot dog that shits ballbearings. Keep your options open.

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Riots were Derren Brown TV stunt

THE riots which devastated 90 percent of England were just the latest high jinks mind-control stunt by cocky illusionist Derren Brown, it has emerged.

The crafty wizard has revealed he masterminded the chaos for his latest Channel 4 extravaganza Derren Brown: I Can Make You Riot.

He said: “I’ve already stolen the National Lottery and pierced Robbie Williams in the arms with a knitting needle, so the only cool thing left was to provoke anarchy. With the power of my mind.

“But of course in the midst of the destruction, the real point was to draw attention to the herd mentality of our shallow consumer culture. With the power of my mind.

“Do you want to know how I did it? Why not? Where do you think you’re going? Come back here at once.

“You are feeling very sleepy and interested in how I did it.”

Julian Cook, from Finsbury Park, said: “Derren’s trick exposed a lot of human truths. We all now realise that poor people want stuff, that Cameron wants to water cannon them directly into prison and that we all have the potential to be bad in the right circumstances. Even ballerinas.”

He added: “But I don’t think Derren has pushed communities apart, if anything he brought us together. No longer were we tweeting about where to get a good latte in Berlin and the coolest way to repair your MacBook Pro, we were tweeting about where it was all kicking off and telling each other to ‘stay safe’.

“We were literally saving lives and I’m sad it’s over.”

A Channel 4 spokesman said: “Since axing Big Brother we have been looking for something ground-breaking that would capture the imagination of the whole country and be really good telly.”

Dismissing concerns over the devastation, the spokesman added: “Are you deaf? I said it was really good telly.”