Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
This week you regret telling the landlord you would do ‘anything’ to have your bar tab cleared while licking your lips seductively, as you soon find yourself sucking the petrol out of a Mondeo in the pub carpark.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
After reaching into the scapegoat Scrabble bag to see who was to blame for the riots, ‘gangs’ is eventually selected ahead of ‘capitalism’, ‘Jews’ and ‘The Boogie’.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
With your tablet computer you can hold an entire library in your hand, talk to a loved one from across the globe and synchronise your entire workload from a single page. Or just fire cartoon birds at a bunch of pigs while grinning like a tit. Not here to judge.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You know the kind of guy who does nothing but bad things and then wonders why his life sucks? No, me neither, most of them are actually having the time of their bastarding lives.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
Alright now, baby it’s alright now. Alright now, baby it’s alright now. Yeah, it’s alright now, baby it’s… no, hang on… nope, it’s just gone tits up.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
A delicately-worded response to your letter to the BBC this week as the producers point out that ‘Eggheads’ refers to intelligence rather than birth defects.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You’ve always been the kind to love ’em and leave ’em, otherwise the bouncer at the brothel does tend to get rather peevish.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you sit in a large, darkened room full of women sobbing their way through One Day while seriously wondering if that’s actually how long this fucking this is going to last.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Having your last comment retweeted six times does not make you ‘a highly-respected author’.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
As the endlessly varied tropical fauna slowly comes to life in the first morning of your dream trip to the Amazonian rainforest and the sounds of frogs, apes and birds reach a crescendo of variegated brilliance, you can’t help but think you’d get a decent night’s kip if the whole place was three million acres of meat farm.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
Don’t let a silly little argument ruin your evening when, with the careful application of seething resentment, it can absolutely ruin an entire decade of marriage.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You should never say never – for instance in 2005 Ricky Gervais was talking about his film career and said, ‘I want to do something that I’m absolutely proud of, that leaves a legacy… I want to do something that makes a connection. I want something that resonates with people’ and this week he’s in Spy Kids 4 playing a talking robot dog that shits ballbearings. Keep your options open.