LOOKING down your nose at normal people can add 10 years to your life, say researchers.
A five-year study of the purse-mouthed has shown that 15 minutes of shaking your head and tutting at people having a pint after work for fuck’s sake will ensure you are still around to suck the joy out of a room well into your 90s.
Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute For Studies, said: “We also detect health benefits in not owning a television and bringing up that fact at every possible opportunity.
“We previously thought that living like an Opus Dei monk training for a triathlon was healthy because it contained none of the sweet, sweet pollutants that separate us from filthy animals.
“But it now seems that years of judgemental arm-crossing actually changes the body on a genetic level.
“It effectively removes part of a DNA sequence that controls both the ageing process and being the sort of person who gets invited to the pub for a nice, long Sunday afternoon session.”
Blood samples were taken from a landscape architect from Peterborough who cycles to work to determine what effect 20 years of feeling sorry for you, actually had done to his molecules.
When microscopic amounts of juicy pizza were added, the white blood cells immediately swarmed around them making passive-aggressive comments about empty calories until the pizza fragments slid out of the petri dish muttering the word ‘pricks’.